Opinion
Karate Chopin', Peg-Legged People: The Final Verdict
April 14, 2009 - 11:00pm
Some people debate politics. Some people debate religion. Some people debate whether or not it is justifiable to spend $40 for a Johnny Cupcakes t-shirt. Fortunately for our generation, these questions have been answered for us by greedy, conniving marketing executive fat-cats for MTV. In case you are still wondering, the answers are Ross Perot, Pastafarianism, and no, of course not, it’s a fucking t-shirt Matt. However, there’s one great debate that is so controversial, so crucial to the health and well-being of society that it continues to tear friendships apart and make babies cry. I’m talking about pirates versus ninjas. Journey along with me to make sense of the gritty, sordid and, at times, erotic history of this argument.
Children of the ’90s, who grew up with such classics as 3 Ninjas and The Karate Kid, make up the fastest growing demographic in the Ninja’s bastion of support. I myself was a ninja two years in a row for Halloween. Ninjas are a secretive folk who practice the ancient martial art of ninjitsu. Although it is hard to tell while they wear their black ninja garb, they are usually green and reptilian-looking, and defend themselves with a strong protective shell. Ranging in age from 13 to 18, a ninja’s strength comes from mutations in his or her DNA. They are masters with weapons such as katanas, nunchucks, sais and wooden sticks, and they smell so bad because they live in a sewer all day eating pizza.
Pirates, on the other hand, smell so bad because they never bathe. Pirates have traditionally been the favorites of the Pastafarians. In fact, the very first Pastafarians were Pirates! Ever since the Flying Spaghetti Monster brought them to life with his noodly appendage, pirates have been a peaceful clan of explorers with a taste for grog and a spirit for swashbuckling adventure. Stigmatic labeling of pirates as thieving whoremongers is merely the result of a smear campaign on the part of the Ninjas to garner popular support. Proof is amassing that Pirates may be good for the environment. Indeed, as the number of pirates has plummeted since the 1800s, both the average global temperature and the number of movies Al Gore has made about Global warming have risen steadily.
As further evidence of this trend, I’d like to point out that Somalia has both the lowest Carbon emissions of any country and the highest number of pirates. Coincidence?
Actually, I’d like to take issue with the general decrease in Pirate integrity in modern times, who have gone pretty far afield from their humble theme park ride roots. On April 8th, 2009, Somali pirates hijacked the cargo ship Maersk Alabama off the coast of the Somalia port city of Eyl. Ironically, the crew of 21 American sailors was transporting, among other cargo, 5,000 metric tons of relief supplies bound for Somalia, Uganda and Kenya. Really, Somali Pirates? You’re going to capture a ship registered under the American flag? Really? No one has made that mistake since 1815 during the Second Barbary War.
In a truly heroic act of selflessness, courage and huge balls, Captain Richard Phillips surrendered himself to the pirates to ensure the safety of the crew. The ship’s crew, who had locked themselves in the engine room, attempted to exchange a pirate that they had overpowered and tied up for Captain Phillips. However, after the crew released the captured pirate, the other scurvy pirates refused to uphold their end of the bargain. Apparently, the pirate code is more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules.
The pirates decided to flee using one of the Alabama’s lifeboats, taking Phillips as a hostage. Soon, the four pirates, armed with only an empty fuel tank and a few pistols and Ak-47s, faced down a small U.S. armada, including the destroyer USS Bainbridge, the USS Halyburton, a guided-missile frigate equipped with helicopters, and the USS Boxer, an amphibious assault ship with missile launchers, attack planes and a crew of 1,000. Where’s the rum gone when you need it?
Fortunately, the captain and the crew were safely rescued without injury. Unfortunately for the pirates, they were not safely rescued without injury.
But the threat of piracy of far from over. Yesterday, Somali pirates captured four ships and took more than 60 crew members hostage in a hijacking spree. These commandeerings are believed to be retaliation strikes as part of a revenge campaign for the deaths of three pirates at the hands of U.S. snipers rescuing Captain Phillips. The international community must not give in to bullying and threats, but must work together to ensure that safety and laws are upheld in the seas.
So what have we learned? First, when times are tough and danger is high, step up to the plate and do the right thing. Second, don’t antagonize the U.S. Navy. Only bad things will happen. And third? Ninjas rule!
Some people debate politics. Some people debate religion. Some people debate whether or not it is justifiable to spend $40 for a Johnny Cupcakes t-shirt. Fortunately for our generation, these questions have been answered for us by greedy, conniving marketing executive fat-cats for MTV. In case you are still wondering, the answers are Ross Perot, Pastafarianism, and no, of course not, it’s a fucking t-shirt Matt. However, there’s one great debate that is so controversial, so crucial to the health and well-being of society that it continues to tear friendships apart and make babies cry. I’m talking about pirates versus ninjas. Journey along with me to make sense of the gritty, sordid and, at times, erotic history of this argument.
Children of the ’90s, who grew up with such classics as 3 Ninjas and The Karate Kid, make up the fastest growing demographic in the Ninja’s bastion of support. I myself was a ninja two years in a row for Halloween. Ninjas are a secretive folk who practice the ancient martial art of ninjitsu. Although it is hard to tell while they wear their black ninja garb, they are usually green and reptilian-looking, and defend themselves with a strong protective shell. Ranging in age from 13 to 18, a ninja’s strength comes from mutations in his or her DNA. They are masters with weapons such as katanas, nunchucks, sais and wooden sticks, and they smell so bad because they live in a sewer all day eating pizza.
Pirates, on the other hand, smell so bad because they never bathe. Pirates have traditionally been the favorites of the Pastafarians. In fact, the very first Pastafarians were Pirates! Ever since the Flying Spaghetti Monster brought them to life with his noodly appendage, pirates have been a peaceful clan of explorers with a taste for grog and a spirit for swashbuckling adventure. Stigmatic labeling of pirates as thieving whoremongers is merely the result of a smear campaign on the part of the Ninjas to garner popular support. Proof is amassing that Pirates may be good for the environment. Indeed, as the number of pirates has plummeted since the 1800s, both the average global temperature and the number of movies Al Gore has made about Global warming have risen steadily.
As further evidence of this trend, I’d like to point out that Somalia has both the lowest Carbon emissions of any country and the highest number of pirates. Coincidence?
Actually, I’d like to take issue with the general decrease in Pirate integrity in modern times, who have gone pretty far afield from their humble theme park ride roots. On April 8th, 2009, Somali pirates hijacked the cargo ship Maersk Alabama off the coast of the Somalia port city of Eyl. Ironically, the crew of 21 American sailors was transporting, among other cargo, 5,000 metric tons of relief supplies bound for Somalia, Uganda and Kenya. Really, Somali Pirates? You’re going to capture a ship registered under the American flag? Really? No one has made that mistake since 1815 during the Second Barbary War.
In a truly heroic act of selflessness, courage and huge balls, Captain Richard Phillips surrendered himself to the pirates to ensure the safety of the crew. The ship’s crew, who had locked themselves in the engine room, attempted to exchange a pirate that they had overpowered and tied up for Captain Phillips. However, after the crew released the captured pirate, the other scurvy pirates refused to uphold their end of the bargain. Apparently, the pirate code is more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules.
The pirates decided to flee using one of the Alabama’s lifeboats, taking Phillips as a hostage. Soon, the four pirates, armed with only an empty fuel tank and a few pistols and Ak-47s, faced down a small U.S. armada, including the destroyer USS Bainbridge, the USS Halyburton, a guided-missile frigate equipped with helicopters, and the USS Boxer, an amphibious assault ship with missile launchers, attack planes and a crew of 1,000. Where’s the rum gone when you need it?
Fortunately, the captain and the crew were safely rescued without injury. Unfortunately for the pirates, they were not safely rescued without injury.
But the threat of piracy of far from over. Yesterday, Somali pirates captured four ships and took more than 60 crew members hostage in a hijacking spree. These commandeerings are believed to be retaliation strikes as part of a revenge campaign for the deaths of three pirates at the hands of U.S. snipers rescuing Captain Phillips. The international community must not give in to bullying and threats, but must work together to ensure that safety and laws are upheld in the seas.
So what have we learned? First, when times are tough and danger is high, step up to the plate and do the right thing. Second, don’t antagonize the U.S. Navy. Only bad things will happen. And third? Ninjas rule!