FACEBOOK. OBAMA. FACEBOOK. OBAMA. OBAMA. ISRAEL. OBAMA FACEBOOKS ISRAEL. ECONOMY. FACEBOOK. ISRAEL. FACEBOOK. OBAMA. OBAMA. ECONOMY TWITTERS OBAMA TO FACEBOOK ISRAEL.

Statistically speaking, this column is likely to be about Obama. But, as we all know, correlation does not equal causation. This one time only, I am going to go against the grain and write something a little out there. This is a two part column, the sequel to which will appear in exactly one year. And this column isn’t going to be about one of those oft-written on topics. No. It will be about all of them. Yes, I have decided to write the perfect column. In one fell swoop I will mock former President Bush, give President Obama the obligatory college rub-down and hypocritically question my generation’s obsession with Facebook. If there is time, I will also rant about the abstract concept known to us only as the “Economy.” Also — Twitter: Fad or Revolution? Find out in the next two paragraphs (or on my twitter).

I am no stranger to hypocrisy. God and everyone on campus knows that I’ve written about these topics. I would sell myself and my principles for good writing. I haven’t, but I would. And I would only do it because my main principle is good writing. And that is something that this paper has always had in abundance, in spite of the Barack-bacchanal.

Last week, our own Cody Gault ’11 joked about a computer that would be able to write a column all on its own. Such a computer would obviously be difficult to construct (the amount of beer it would need in order to write a column like this would be spectacular), but the algorithm already exists. I have outlined it in the first passage. Can we columnists really do no better than a souped up porn machine?

We have fallen into a trap. I mean all of us, the guys at The New York Times included. How many ways are there to look at Obama’s tax policy? How many times can you write about Obama (who, by now, has himself turned into an abstract concept) opening the flood gates of cultural change? Write about how great he is? Like all our ex-presidents have asked us before — are we in love with him, or do we just love writing about him? If you’ve got a column deadline in three hours and have nothing to write about, Obama is your go-to guy. In that sense, he has been a godsend. God sent him. So that we could write about him.

Forget Obama, how many different views of the Economy (again, the Economy, with a capital “E,” is an abstract concept, much like the Academy that awards the Academy Awards) can we have? Here’s an idea for an Economy column: “The Economy Kicks Ass and Has Never Been Better.” I have yet to see a column written from this perspective. I have to ask: Why? Oh, that’s right. Because it sucks (that is, if it even exists) and no amount of change is going to change it. So let’s … write about it? Of course, people need to be informed on different views and possibilities and what is going on in the world around them. But come on, we’re writing a newspaper that people don’t even have the decency to recycle. And the other papers available on campus are going out of business because of the Economy. Or in spite of it?

Oh, and now for my favorite topic (and the one closest to my heart): Israel. Man, we really blew it on that one. I mean seriously, we’re real a-holes. “I condemn the Israelis.” “I condemn the Palestinians.” “I — dude in my room writing this three hours before the deadline — condemn this group of people.” But therein lies the beauty of column writing. It’s our job (mine especially) to be opinionated a-holes.

Since we’re already a-holes, I don’t think there’s any reason to limit ourselves to just being politically minded a-holes. I don’t know why or when, but at some point the media, at all levels, jumped on the politics bandwagon and refused to get off. Or rather, has gotten off numerous times. We politicize everything in America, and this is especially true of our columns. Journalists, reporters, Ann Coulters everywhere — please listen to me. We don’t need to talk about politics to be taken seriously. Our efforts to be taken seriously might very well be misguided anyway. Half the time somebody reads an Obama column, its got noodles all over it from the last four Okenshields patrons who read the same article.

And that’s what I love the most about this paper. Forget everything I said. I love this paper. I love this column. I love everyone’s column. I love reading this paper. I couldn’t eat lunch at Okes without it. I would be lost. I don’t care what the article is about, be it Obama or the Physical Sciences Library or culture change. All that matters to me is that I get to read it and hopefully get angry about it. It really makes those Wednesday gyros taste better.

Thanks to David Wittenberg ’09, my former editor. Thanks to whoever came up with the crazy idea of letting me write this. Thanks to Dave Lotterer ’09 for reading this column at 5 in the morning on Sunday and letting me know which parts were too offensive, too lame or too funny. All said done, there’s more to come next year. See you all then.

Wait, one last thing! Ron Paul: FUCK YOU.