Over the last month and half, we’ve been drinking a lot, but it hasn’t been happy drinking. It’s been filled with stress, fretting over the lack of jobs and internships, and mourning the downfall of our University’s once-robust budget. But, alas! Slope Day is near — the one day where we can drink, dance and sing along to shitty music without a care in the world. We may not have our papers done. We may not have jobs. We may not have language classes, but at least we have alcohol and Asher Roth. Without further ado, Berry Patch presents the top four people we’d like to drink with on Slope Day ...

Mary Beth Grant

Judicial Administrator

Having taken BASICS four times — including the class titled “For Real, What the Hell Were you Thinking?” — we must admit that we would love to knock back some brewskis with the woman who sent us there. She’s tough, she makes the hard decisions, she gets the job done, but can she hold her own at beer pong?

The Big Red Bear

Cornell’s faithful mascot

This guy can fit so much alcohol inside his big bear suit that we wouldn’t have needed to camp out for days beforehand to bury alcohol underneath the third tree on the right side of the slope next to that pathway. Plus, his flips and gymnastics would keep us entertained even when the music lags.

The Bursar Guy

Everyone is more generous with money when they’re drunk, so who wouldn’t want to refund us the $20,000 we paid to the University for all that netprint? Now if only we could figure out who this mysterious Bursar is. It would be like lifting the curtain on the Wizard of Oz.

Bill Nye ’77

The Science Guy

There was no Slope Day when Mr. Nye was at our venerable Alma Mater. In fact there was no alcohol, so he invented it, along with the modern automobile and the BowFlex. So we extend an open invitation for him to come with us to kill the same brain cells that help him get where his is.