The greatest health risk to us Cornellian’s is no longer over exhaustion from studying or extreme inebriation from Slope Day, but rather the Swine Flu which has led the World Health Organization to raise its global alert level and is sending the world into a panic. Mexico has shut down schools and museums, American health officials have declared a public health emergency and on Monday investors jumped heavily into drug stocks. So what is the swine flu? Is the country at risk of demise? What can we do here at Cornell to protect ourselves and survive?

The Swine Influenza (swine flu) is a respiratory disease of pigs that is caused by a type A influenza. This illness is not traditionally known to infect humans, but mutated human cases of the infection are beginning to be reported. The human swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is contagious and symptoms resemble those of the regular human flu — fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu, and the virus can also worsen underlying chronic medical conditions. The spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is happening in a similar fashion to the seasonal flu. Flu viruses are spread mainly through the coughing or sneezing by people infected with influenza. Currently there is no vaccine available to prevent the swine flu.

So far, the majority of human swine flu cases have been reported in Mexico, where there have been 149 deaths and 1,600 sickened. Though there have only been 45 reported cases in the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said the government was preparing as if the outbreak would become a global pandemic. Some governments have issued advisories urging citizens not to visit Mexico. China, Japan, Hong Kong and others have set up quarantines for those possibly infected. On Monday, Gannett Health Services issued a campus wide e-mail, warning of the swine flu.

If you are still not satisfied with the precautionary measures recommended by Gannett, I have devised my own list for further protection:

1. Avoid the libraries at all costs

Studying in the libraries is almost a sure-fire way to contract the swine flu. Nowhere on campus do larger crowds of unbathed, unsanitary and germ touting students congregate than the libraries, especially Olin and Mann. Swine flu bacteria may be dormant in the stacks, slowly seeping out. If studying is an absolute necessity, it is advised to do so within one’s own dorm room, with a towel under the door for added protection.

2. Gasmasks should be worn around campus

Yes gasmasks, not those cheap plastic masks that you wore as a doctor on Halloween. Though they became somewhat of a fashion statement in Asia during the SARS outbreak, ordinary surgical masks rarely inhibit an individual’s intake of germs. Full gasmasks, which can be reused in future instances of biological warfare, are much more effective. Furthermore, with some intricate craftsmanship, the masks can be turned into beer helmets and bong-masks for Slope Day.

3. Purell as much as possible

The University must take swift action and quadruple the number of Purell dispensers on campus. As students, we should take advantage of this magical kill-all lotion, and bathe in it whenever possible. Optimal times include, but are not limited to: entering/exiting dining halls, fitness centers and all public bathrooms. Worried about losing your immunity to all other germs? Let’s just take it slow and worry about one deadly virus at a time.

4. Wear rubber gloves at all times

Once reserved for kinky sex partners and Chemistry lab students, rubber gloves are a must have accessory. Every day we touch millions of germs, lathering them onto our faces and scattering them into our orifices. The discomfort of sweaty palms entrapped in latex is a small price to pay.

The majority of this article is factually accurate. Specifically, the first half is factually accurate. The swine flu has become an issue of global concern, and as a nation we are preparing for the possibility of a deadly pandemic. However, most action being taken in the United States is precautionary, and there is truly no need to panic yet. Nevertheless, it is always beneficial to be informed. If you experience flu like symptoms beyond those associated with normal end of the semester sickness, you should contact Gannett. I accept no responsibility for advancing the spread of the swine flu. If you find my precautionary recommendations useful, however, I did my best to help.

The greatest health risk to us Cornellian’s is no longer over exhaustion from studying or extreme inebriation from Slope Day, but rather the Swine Flu which has led the World Health Organization to raise its global alert level and is sending the world into a panic. Mexico has shut down schools and museums, American health officials have declared a public health emergency and on Monday investors jumped heavily into drug stocks. So what is the swine flu? Is the country at risk of demise? What can we do here at Cornell to protect ourselves and survive?

The Swine Influenza (swine flu) is a respiratory disease of pigs that is caused by a type A influenza. This illness is not traditionally known to infect humans, but mutated human cases of the infection are beginning to be reported. The human swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is contagious and symptoms resemble those of the regular human flu — fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu, and the virus can also worsen underlying chronic medical conditions. The spread of this swine influenza A (H1N1) virus is happening in a similar fashion to the seasonal flu. Flu viruses are spread mainly through the coughing or sneezing by people infected with influenza. Currently there is no vaccine available to prevent the swine flu.

So far, the majority of human swine flu cases have been reported in Mexico, where there have been 149 deaths and 1,600 sickened. Though there have only been 45 reported cases in the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said the government was preparing as if the outbreak would become a global pandemic. Some governments have issued advisories urging citizens not to visit Mexico. China, Japan, Hong Kong and others have set up quarantines for those possibly infected. On Monday, Gannett Health Services issued a campus wide e-mail, warning of the swine flu.

If you are still not satisfied with the precautionary measures recommended by Gannett, I have devised my own list for further protection:

1. Avoid the libraries at all costs

Studying in the libraries is almost a sure-fire way to contract the swine flu. Nowhere on campus do larger crowds of unbathed, unsanitary and germ touting students congregate than the libraries, especially Olin and Mann. Swine flu bacteria may be dormant in the stacks, slowly seeping out. If studying is an absolute necessity, it is advised to do so within one’s own dorm room, with a towel under the door for added protection.

2. Gasmasks should be worn around campus

Yes gasmasks, not those cheap plastic masks that you wore as a doctor on Halloween. Though they became somewhat of a fashion statement in Asia during the SARS outbreak, ordinary surgical masks rarely inhibit an individual’s intake of germs. Full gasmasks, which can be reused in future instances of biological warfare, are much more effective. Furthermore, with some intricate craftsmanship, the masks can be turned into beer helmets and bong-masks for Slope Day.

3. Purell as much as possible

The University must take swift action and quadruple the number of Purell dispensers on campus. As students, we should take advantage of this magical kill-all lotion, and bathe in it whenever possible. Optimal times include, but are not limited to: entering/exiting dining halls, fitness centers and all public bathrooms. Worried about losing your immunity to all other germs? Let’s just take it slow and worry about one deadly virus at a time.

4. Wear rubber gloves at all times

Once reserved for kinky sex partners and Chemistry lab students, rubber gloves are a must have accessory. Every day we touch millions of germs, lathering them onto our faces and scattering them into our orifices. The discomfort of sweaty palms entrapped in latex is a small price to pay.

The majority of this article is factually accurate. Specifically, the first half is factually accurate. The swine flu has become an issue of global concern, and as a nation we are preparing for the possibility of a deadly pandemic. However, most action being taken in the United States is precautionary, and there is truly no need to panic yet. Nevertheless, it is always beneficial to be informed. If you experience flu like symptoms beyond those associated with normal end of the semester sickness, you should contact Gannett. I accept no responsibility for advancing the spread of the swine flu. If you find my precautionary recommendations useful, however, I did my best to help.