Ladies, if a guy ever comes up to you and starts doing magic tricks, resist being impressed. It will be a struggle, but if you can overcome your hard wired instincts to get aroused by the “guess which number I’m thinking” game, you will have struck a victory for women’s empowerment.

If after reading that, you suddenly feel attracted to me, don’t worry. I just ran game on you.

What the hell am I talking about? I am talking about “the pickup.” In matters of love we’ve all struck lucky once or twice. If that’s not enough for you, there are self-help books to help you strike lucky every single time. Written by Pick-Up Artists, they reveal the secrets of love. Specifically, there are things you can do to a girl that will instantly make her attracted to you. What kind of things, you might be wondering?

Magic tricks. Palm reading. Handwriting analysis. If you’re feeling lonely at 3 a.m. on a Friday night, grab a pen and some paper and head for the nearest club. Girls love to hear truisms about their handwriting while they’re dancing.

Yes, this is ridiculous. The first step in the program is to create an “avatar” for yourself. I don’t even need to stretch my brain to make fun of these tools. Of course it doesn’t work. Of course it’s a scam. It’s a scam because a Pick-Up seminar costs several thousand dollars to attend. And to someone who has no social skills to begin with, being told that palm reading is a great way to introduce yourself to people might shatter an already fragile psyche.

There is a show on VH1 called The Pick-Up Artist. It is hosted by the greatest PUA in the entire world, “Mystery.” According to pickup lore, every pickup trainee must pick a unique name. I believe it’s so their mothers never find out their children grew up they way they did. They believe it’s for intrigue.

Maybe you want to try it out for yourself. Are you a freshman? Does hooking up with a blacked out sorority girl present a major challenge to you? You need to develop some game. There are a few central tenants you must follow.

1. Never, ever, be friends with a girl. You want to avoid the “friends zone.” You want to be in the “no-friends zone.” Have no friends.

2. Dress flamboyantly. This is called “peacocking.” It adds to your intrigue if you are, for example, wearing a top hat. You always want to keep girls guessing whether that lacy black button-down is yours or your boyfriend’s.

3. Play hard to get. If a woman ever approaches you, ignore her completely. This is the only way to win her respect. And whatever you do, don’t ever go all the way. If you want to get laid, getting laid is the worst thing you could do for yourself.

4. Be a douchebag. Making fun of things proves you are a man of greater value. Wait a minute …

Basically, abandon everything that came naturally to you. If you currently walk on the side of the curb, as gentlemanly standards suggest, stop. Next time, push the girl you like into traffic, to show how little you really care.

PUAs would argue that learning these pickup techniques advances you as a human being, if nothing else. If you have trouble meeting girls, you can at least gain confidence using these techniques to meet new people. Can the advice in these training materials really help you grow? To quote the TV show, “Never let the window to ‘sexualize’ it go out the door.” Take that and put it in your self-help book.

A few years ago, some frat house paid Tucker Max, a man who blogs about having copious amounts of sex by being a douchebag (all true of course), to lecture on how to be a better douchebag. The number one question asked was, “How can I be like you?” 20-odd-years of being alive and that’s what you have to show for it?

I lived right next to one of the douchiest frat houses on campus last year. Come spring time, the dudes were out in full swing on the patio, jumping around a rack of Keystone in only their boxers at 10 in the morning. No girls were involved in this ritual. But the douchebag remains an idolized figure.

Tucker Max has gone on to win a movie deal, making him rich. For this, I salute him. He is a good writer. But the people who actually buy into this crap are no different from eight-year-olds that want to go to Hogwarts. In reality, I imagine Tucker Max is married and spends nights teaching math to his kids so they don’t grow up tools.

If you’re still confused on how to get hitched, here’s what you have to do to start the semester off with a bang: Light some candles on fire and start juggling them at the next frat party. You'll get laid. I promise.