On the morning of Move In Day three years ago, some genius at the Ramada Inn thought it would be wise to leave a rolled-up rug in the main corridor. Having inherited my father’s uncanny ability to avoid minor catastrophes, I, like him, leapt over the booby trap without realizing it was there. The thud and scream that occurred two seconds later informed us that my mom was not nearly as lucky. This meant I spent most of Orientation at the Cayuga Medical Center while my mom got hip surgery; it also meant that my roommates felt bad enough to give me the best bed.

I tell you this, dear freshmen, as a lesson: Regardless of how well prepared you are, life is going to throw some crap at you that you won’t be ready for. It will suck; it will often send you screaming, but if you’re smart or lucky you’ll find a way to benefit from the event. Like getting the best bed for the whole year.

Chickadees, this will not be the last tidbit of advice you get, from me or from anyone else. It will continue past this column, throughout this semester and long into the next, until you get so sick of it you’ll want to take a Keystone you are offered and smush it on the benevolent offerer’s head. We — your professors, upperclassmen, families, RAs and the fratty skeeve trying to bone you — offer it, because, as I’m sure you’ve surmised, we’re all a teensy bit full of ourselves. We also do it because we were told the same thing, but ignored it all. Cornell is sadly full of both stupid people and smart people who make stupid decisions … and then make them again. Like writing advice columns to incoming freshman. Alas, without further ado, here’s my unsolicited advice:

High school is over. All the shitty baggage you invariably carried with you from high school is over, too. No one — unless you’re one of those unlucky few from Long Island or Westchester whose entire school ended up here — knows about your biggest triumphs and greatest embarrassments. That’s not to say you won’t end up reacting to some high school caused-PTSD sometime down the line. But you’ll be doing yourself, and everyone around you, a huge favor if you do some yoga breathing and learn how to let it go.

That isn’t to say that you should reinvent yourself. Don’t. Pretending you’re someone you aren’t, or weren’t, is silly, transparent and will bite you in the ass. I can’t tell you the number of times I was told by people how they were the awesomest awesome ever. Those were the people who no one wanted to talk to by the end of the semester. By the time you’re 18, most of who you are is set, and the stuff you might want to change is going to take more than a few weeks. Trying to pretend you’re someone you’re not just comes off as desperate and obnoxious.

This is especially true for drinking, smoking … If you never drank or smoked in high school, don’t go around pretending you did. Not only is it entirely obvious to everyone when they have to carry your drunk, puke-covered body home, it’s dangerous. Knowing your tolerance is critical, and if you don’t drink, you don’t have one. Those who judge you are most likely lightweight hypocrites. What’s more, if you’re honest, you’ll probably seem cuter to whomever you’re currently smitten with, than you would by puking on their shoes while they wait for EMS to come get you.

… And Sex. Some of you have already had sex. Most of you, I’m guessing, have not. All of you are obsessing over it. If you have, good for you. If you haven’t — either if you’re waiting or if the opportunity hasn’t risen — that’s also fine. Imagine Eleanor Roosevelt talking to you, instead of me: no one can make you feel like a slut, a hornball or a prude but yourself.

Don’t play dumb/uninterested. Your parents, yourself or your college loans are shelling out major dollars for you to be here right now. Apathy — academic, intellectual, political, artistic or otherwise — is one of the biggest plights of college campuses in the states, including Cornell. It’s also a waste of our short lives.

Take risks. Try something new: think you’re going to be an English major? Sit in on a physics class. Pre-med? Try anthropology. This is especially important if you’re on a career path based on your parents’ “encouragement.” Yes, some of you come from families where pressure to go a certain route is super-intense, but you’re a pseudo-adult now — it’s time to stand up to them (nicely).

Taking risks, of course, doesn’t mean failing. That’s stupid. Don’t fail.

A “B” is not failing. A “C” is not failing (no matter what the Hangovers sing). You know what failing is? A “D-” or lower. Please, don’t be that person. Try your best not to get sucked into The Cornell Grind. But when you do, don’t run around moaning about how you “failed” because you got a B and your life is over. There is someone nearby who got worse than a B and is torn between mocking you and reaching for the closest sharp object. It may not seem like it, but being stabbed by mechanical pencils is painful.

Don’t worry about jobs yet. Yes, the market sucks, but it sucks for me, not for you.

Julie Block, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a former Sun Arts and Entertainment Editor. She may be reached at jblock@cornellsun.com. WTF, Mate?! appears alternate Wednesdays this semester.