Guys masturbate like all the time. It’s probably why they seem more relaxed and less desperate to find a relationship. However, masturbation shouldn’t be viewed as a dude-only domain. If more women took the time to get to know the ins and outs of their vaginas, we would live in a world filled with more equality and less crazy bitches.

A column would never be written teaching guys how to rub one out — a testament to how important it is for women to understand their bodies in order to gain equality in the bedroom. A guy knows what he wants and exactly how to get it. Generally, the same cannot be said for girls. Learning how to pleasure yourself is the first step in the right direction.

So girls, this column is for you. And guys, keep reading — the girls you’re with will appreciate it. I’m going to take you through the process of female masturbation, step by step. Don’t get freaked out. Don’t be embarrassed that someone will see you reading this at your table at Trillium. Trust me, I’m here to help.

The first step is getting to know your vaj. Guys have it easy, their penis is dangling for all the world to examine and is about as difficult to understand as an AEM prelim. Most of our stuff is internal or beneath folds, and sometimes it even changes. So go home and take out a hand mirror, take off your pants and take a look. You will never be sexually satisfied, with yourself or with a partner, if you don’t understand your own body first.

Poke around down there. Understand and begin to love this mysterious and glorious part of your body. After you’ve thoroughly introduced yourself and made some small talk (“Sup V? It’s nice to finally meet you”), it’s time to get down to business.

The first stop is the clitoris. The clitoris is the small spot located under that funny flap of skin close to where the two lips of the vagina meet. The vast majority of women reach orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone. When aroused, the clitoris gets larger and harder, similar to a male erection.

Touch your clit. Rub it in circles or in figure eights or write out an Orgo reaction if that’s what gets you off. Find out what feels good to you because it’s different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong, normal or weird way. Roll with it. Breathe deeply into your pelvis, relax and enjoy.

But, if you are like me and a small portion of other women, you may need more than just clitoral stimulation to achieve the Big O. It’s now time to venture inside.

The G-spot is the area of the vagina located about one-third of the way to the cervix, on the stomach side of the vaginal vault (also known as the inner part of the vagina). I find it by thinking of it as an inside belly-button. Insert one (or two or four) fingers inside your vagina and move your fingers in a “come hither” gesture. It may take a couple tries before you find it, but when you do it will be downright magical. Unfortunately, it is important to note that some women do not have or are unable to find their G-spot. In fact, there are some scientists that debate the existence of a G-spot at all. But if you’re like me, you know that these scientists are full of shit.

If you are able to orgasm from G-spot stimulation, you may also have the extra bonus of the ability to experience the rare female ejaculation (to be discussed in a future column. Female ejaculators: e-mail me!). Less than five percent of the female population is able to squirt some love juice by digital stimulation of their G-spot. Most women who are able to accomplish this amazing feat experience shame or embarrassment because they believe they have just peed themselves. Please, if you are able to female ejaculate, forget about diapers and revel in your rare talent.

Now that I’ve given you the Google maps version of your vagina and some scientific facts to back me up, I’m hoping that most of you, dear readers, have learned how to create your own orgasm, without the insensitive and uncoordinated fumbling of male hands. If not, don’t worry. It takes practice. Refine your craft. Then, when you’re ready, teach your partner. It will change your life to avoid the awkward but well-meant attempts of another person to understand your body. Communicate and guide your partner to the particular motions, speed and pressure that gets you off. And don’t be embarrassed that you know what you like: Think of the last time that you gave a blow job without some type of direction from the guy: “faster” or “higher” or the just classic head-grab-and-push. It you don’t like what he’s doing, you have the right to change it. Now that you know what you like, you can get it whenever you want. Never accept sub-par technique again.

Jess H. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at jessh@cornellsun.com. Girl On Top appears alternate Thursdays this semester.