It ain’t easy being an elephant. Even the tea baggers (as they prefer to be called) don’t have any love for the Grand Old Party. No, the Republicans lost most of their support from the Ron-Paul-loving-militia-raising-tax-abstaining-home-schooling-Obama-was-born-in-Cairo crazies with their party’s tepid support of TARP. Although the talking heads scream about the democrats’ impending demise due to sinking polls and a degenerative debate on health care, the GOP is the party with real problems. Democrats control the House, the Senate, the Executive Branch and have made serious gains in local and state governments across the nation. Even outside Washington, Republicans continue to struggle with a series of scandals that seem to sweep over the asses across the aisle.

Earlier this summer, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina surprised us all by showing that even the most boring man in politics is capable of entertaining us with scandal. After getting caught jet setting to Argentina without telling his family or staff where he was going, he proceeded to reveal the story of his sordid affair to the world with teen-like melodrama and angst: “I was in love, you all just don’t understand.” There was little love in the air for Republicans this summer, however, as they lost both the newly elected chair of their Governors Association (Sanford) and the Chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee (Sen. John Ensign, Nevada) to ugly affairs. Each of the two men had taken steps towards a possible presidential campaign in 2012, but alas, the indefatigable Sarah Palin and the Republican John Kerry (Mitt Romney) remain the “leaders” of the party.

More recently, the Republicans have been fighting the Democrats’ dominance in battleground states like Virginia in order to prove they’re still relevant to “real Americans.” Republican gubernatorial nominee Bob McDonnell, leading in most polls, hit his first hurdle when his master’s thesis was released by the Washington Post on Sept. 3. Among many enlightening and cutting-edge gems were his ideas that working women were a “detriment” to the family; it is “illogical” to give contraception to unmarried women; and, of course, his tough stance against pornography available “on the radio.”

It seems that many of the Republican Party’s rising stars channel septuagenarians like Pat Robertson. Clearly frustrated with increased scrutiny from his nationally watched campaign, McDonnell told a DJ last week that he outlined several “f—ing funding mechanisms” to avoid raising taxes. His campaign manager later explained that McDonnell’s f-bomb was a slip of the tongue, and he had intended to say “funding.” This makes sense, in light of President Obama’s occasional slip: “f—ing the deficit will not be easy …”

The list of scrambling elephants goes on and on. The D.C. Madam frequenter Senator David Vitter (R., LA) is facing a possible challenge from porn star Stormy Daniels. When the likes of Ron Jeremy are giving you a run for your money, you know that you’re facing dire straits. It isn’t that Democrats have been without scandals of their own. Hair stylist/children’s hospital extorter Rod Blagojevich seems to hunger for the lime light, even if it is a sickly green hue. And of course, John Edwards is the possible baby’s daddy of his mistress and campaign worker Rielle Hunter. But if both parties sin, what makes Republicans in need of a real mea culpa?

It is so much easier to find the politicians on the Right reprehensible because their behavior goes beyond the egomaniacal, selfish and corrupt behavior that we expect from those in power: it’s down right hypocritical. Republicans are the party of yesteryear whose central pillar is “family values.” But while many on the Right fight tooth and nail against equal rights for gays, it turns out there are closeted homosexuals among their ranks, many of whom choose to express their sexuality in airport bathrooms (Larry Craig, R., Idaho) and with much younger male interns (too many to list in this category). Philanderer Mark Sanford called on Bill Clinton to resign because of his affair and voted for his impeachment! Getting caught cheating is exponentially worse when the Daily Show can play clip after clip of you preaching the sanctity of marriage.

Some argue that a politician’s merit should not be judged on the basis of their personal life. This is true — to the degree that I don’t care about what my leaders do for shits and giggles. But on issues of character and morality, we are taught as children that actions speak louder than words. It is understandably hard to swallow the proselytizing of public figures who preach the sanctity of marriage and then proceed to use tax-payer dollars to hide their own infidelities. If Republicans like Sarah Palin cut funding for any and all sex education that doesn’t advocate abstinence, then her teenage daughter’s pregnancy is serious and relevant to that debate.

If Republicans wish to find their way back from the woods, they must abandon the social wars that they have been losing for decades. Mainstream Americans care more about jobs, taxes and the environment then if “Adam and Steve” can get married. Another free tip for the next John or Jill to capture the Republican nomination in 2012: “Real” Americans aren’t rural, Caucasian, Bud Light drinkers who care more about keeping their guns than their civil liberties. We are an urbanized multiracial country that elected a man who listens to Jay-Z, and we care a hell of a lot more about education, the environment and the economy then our right to bring an Uzi to Yellowstone.

Gabriel Dobbs is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at gdobbs@cornellsun.com. Smooth and Confident appears alternate Fridays this semester.