Stop the presses! The semi-HEROIC Inter-Fraternity Council has placed a hold on open parties! No beer pong? No throngs of HEROIC freshmen earnestly seeking drinks, older dudes to make out with and, well, that’s about it? What will we ever do without HEROIC frat parties?! Oh, wait a second, what's that? The IFC has revoked the moratorium?! Hip-hip-hurray! Freshmen girls watch out — don’t drink the “Grey Goose” while on the “official house tour.”

Despite the fine example we thought the IFC was setting, it looks like freshmen — well, them alongside everybody else — will be heading back to North and West (wherever the frats are) this weekend to partake in some HEROIC partying. No VILLAINOUS beer pong, though, or else IFC president Eddie Rooker ’10 will come chasing after you in a HEROIC, shimmering mask! Watch your back, kids ... and wash your hands.

While on North recovering from our VILLAINOUS frat-party-induced hangovers, we at H&V have big plans to hit up the HEROIC Sunday brunch at RPCC. Gimme some HEROIC pancakes; gimme some HEROIC egg-sandwiches; gimme some HEROIC cereal; gimme some super-HEROIC Purell, too! OK, OK, enough with the jokes about staying swine-free. We’re just happy that the HEROIC Cornell Dining has pledged to maintain its epic level of excellence in spite of budget cuts. We actually bet some good could come of this: Maybe it means they'll be getting rid of the VILLAINOUS two- (three-, four-) week-old Rice Crispy Treats they pile onto those trays in the corner of Appel. We could definitely do without those.

Speaking of things we can do without, what is up with the throngs of people handing out soap on Ho plaza?! Don’t these do-gooders realize that they might have harmful germs on their hands?! I don’t care if you’re giving me HEROIC soap: you still probably touched a billion VILLAINOUS hands filled with VILLAINOUS germs while handing out hundreds of bars of soaps. We appreciate the HEROIC gesture. But when you stop and think about it, it makes zero sense.

Something else that makes zero sense is having undergraduates teach Freshmen Writing Seminars. That’s why the HEROIC Knight Institute would never, never, never, ever, ever have undergrads take the teaching-reigns. (We’re sorry. We messed up.) Students shall be students — even if they’re majoring in AEM.

The best news since our last installment of H&V came a long six days ago, as the HEROIC Big Red football team destroyed Bucknell in its season opener. A HEROIC heck-yeah goes out to our grid iron stars. Keep up the good work and you might be able to take on us semi-nerdy, self-referential and totally egotistical editors down here in the Bat Cave. Ready? Bring it on.

All this football talk is getting us worked up. Can I get a “Go Team!” on three? One. Two. Thr — ah, screw it, let’s go get drunk. We’ll see you at Sigma Upsilon Nu.