Do you know how expensive beef jerky is at Noyes? It’s not cheap. Actually it’s about $5, the same price as everything else at Noyes. Maybe their price scanner is broken, maybe they just like ripping me off. Either way, when I buy two types of beef jerky and spicy jalapeno chips for $15, it’s a special day for me. When I mix Evan Williams with Wegman’s brand cola, you know I’m gearing up for my special day. When I skip all my classes, it’s probably a day like any other. But it might be my special day.

I snuck my bag o’ shit into the TV lounge and politely explained to facilities how it was my special day and why they could not take their lunch break there. I sat down into my special chair and got ready to cherish the only 90 minutes of “me” time that Cornell afforded me that month.

And then, on a rainy Tuesday last April, my special day was ruined.

Ruined or enhanced? It’s a fine line you walk when you watch sports on ESPN. You see, I tried to watch a re-run of a Champions League game. Read: I was trying to watch a soccer game on television. I had spent the entire week avoiding all sports-related news so that I wouldn’t know the score. I spent a week looking forward to 90 minutes. Sad? Not as sad as what ESPN did to me.

See, as any bro reading this article will know, ESPN has a BottomLine(TM) ticker that takes up approximately one-eighth of the screen and scrolls through with useful information. Scores to games and sports that I don’t know or watch. Major updates about who blew a hammie in practice. And, quite often, the score to the game you are about to watch, in addition to the scores of games you were planning on watching later.

Wait. That’s not useful. In fact that’s the opposite of useful. It’s down right useless. It’s spiteful, having ESPN show me the score to a game that hasn’t even kicked off on their channel. Especially after I spend $50 on food to enhance my experience.

Imagine trying to watch a movie and having a little ticker scrolling across the screen, telling you the ending. “Soylent Green is people,” it says. “Rosebud was the sled.” “Dumbledore is gay.” That would kind of ruin the whole point of watching the movie, wouldn’t it? See, the sports ticker is exactly like that, except it not only ruins the game you’re watching, it also ruins all the games you were hoping to watch that weekend.

I’ve sent ESPN e-mails about this ever since I was 15. I called them idiots. I questioned their moral guidelines. And after I was ignored for years, my cries unheard, I warned them that I would be back, stronger.

That time has come, my friends. Much like the lady on the internet who decided to stop paying her credit card bill (her interest rate got pushed up 5 percent) in the name of a “debtor’s revolt,” I’m going to make this mother go viral.

ESPN, listen up. I am tired of paying your usurious rates. No, no, wait. ESPN, I am tired of looking at your usurious BottomLine(TM) ticker. Yeah. American people, fight with me here. ESPN, we are tired of being abused and extorted. For years, the greedy ticker has monopolized viewing space, has gotten in the way of the shit we are trying to watch, has revealed to us the scores of games that we wish to see in the future.

We have accepted this. We have bent over backwards for you. But not anymore. Recently, you acquired the rights to air more soccer games than ever before. ESPN, you have to adapt to a new audience. An audience which, I might add, does not appreciate that goddamn sports ticker. We, the people, do not care for baseball scores. And we are making a stand.

Your ticker is like the Microsoft Office paperclip. Except you can’t close it. But you know what, it’s not even about convenience. It goes further than that. This is about consumer culture. This is about needing everything we need right now. It’s about excess, and the fat that has plagued American society for centuries. It’s all culminated in this, the useless goddamn sports ticker.

I could understand if you wanted to take some of my TV space and devote it to say, Erin Andrews. Hell, you could take all my TV space and devote it to Erin Andrews. But you dare take my space, my property, and use it for your own purposes, which harm me directly?

No. We won’t stand for it anymore. Forward this to all your friends. Make a YouTube video of yourself reading this. Make a YouTube video of someone’s reaction to you reading this. Let your congressman know what the real issues are. Stop watching ESPN. Don’t let the big corporation get your money until they respect your demands. Support your local sports team instead. Go to Cornell games. Ithaca High games. Intramural games. And if you are a brainwashed bro who wears a backwards baseball cap and loves the ticker, I hope you choke on your Skoal Bandit.

Long live capitalism. Down with the sports ticker. Until then, join my revolution at twitter.com/REBELTODAY. And that’s the BottomLine (TM). Durf.

Yevgeniy Feldman is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at yfeldman@cornellsun.com. That Really Grinds My Gears appears alternate Mondays this semester.