The weather chilled. Tests crept up out of nowhere. And we failed. We seriously got, like, actual Fs on the five — six? seven? a million? —VILLAINOUS prelims we took this week. But, no worries! It’s HEROIC Fall Break! Where you goin’? We’re going somewhere, anywhere, please ... just get us out of here ...

So, Cornell got a B on the HEROIC annual sustainability report card. Now, when we heard the news, we thought this was HEROIC. We rarely get grades above Bs on anything. Probably because we’re always locked up in this VILLAINOUS bat cave and never, ever see the light of day. But it turns out, our grade was a VILLAINOUS let down to the hippie-folk who are committed to making Cornell a HEROICALLY greener place. So what does this mean?

Well for one, we’re probably going to see the entire slope turn into a VILLAINOUSLY “sustainable” forest. Maintenance is going to give up on the slope altogether and let nature do its thang. The folks on West will have to swing through the trees Tarzan style. But it’s all good, it’s all in the name of HEROIC sustainability.

But what’s this we hear? The city has also come up with its own plan to make this HEROIC town more green (or brown)? Woah there, Ithaca, this time you’ve gone too far. Composting dog dung? Is that a joke? We’re still not entirely sure what the city is planning on doing with the VILLAINOUS poo, and we’re not sure they do either. But all hail sustainability! Man, we really gotta get out of here ...

The HEROIC Michelle Rhee ’92, chancellor of D.C. public schools, returned to the Hill to speak this week. She spoke about the VILLAINOUS achievement gap and all the HEROIC Cornellians who can help save the day! But all the students protesting the event made us reflect on the fact that everything was TFA this week. Did anyone else meet with that TFA recruitment director Ian? We did. And so did all our roommates. And all their friends. And our friends’ roommates. That’s seriously HEROIC. Oh, wait, no, it’s totally VILLAINOUS — this means crazy amounts of people are applying for the same thing! Eek! We just want a job! And a HEROIC one at that.

Enough about jobs — let’s just continue to drink booze and relax in C-Town next year. We’ll kick back and watch our HEROIC football team continue to remain undefeated. Oh, wait — Big Red lost this past week. Sad times. But, honestly, who cares? We still love the HEROIC grid iron gang. We’ll be out on the field at the next game, if only to temporarily put off the next wave of pre-lims heading our way.

Speaking of things heading our way, isn’t it Spring Fall Break, like, right now? That’s right, it totally is! We’re out like Heidi Klum. So, kick back, grab some booze and have a HEROIC few days off. We’ll see you on Wednesday ... HEROICALLY hung over as hell.