Congratulations — you did it. You got that guy or girl of your dreams to agree to come back to your place and sleep with you. Lucky, lucky. However, there is etiquette that one must adhere to when participating in a one night stand — one night standiquette, if you will. It will help you avoid making the awkward pre-walk of shame morning-breath goodbye kiss any more awkward (assuming that your partner was kind enough to stay the night).

Numero Uno: If our one night stand turns into a one night abstain, don’t jerk off in my bed. “What?! No, I’d never do that!” YES, you would. How do I know? Because last weekend I woke up when there was more fist pumping going on in my bed than at the Dino’s Ed Hardy Party. Why didn’t I say anything? Because I was curious as to what your disposal strategy was. Luckily, it never got that far, at least not this time.

But, if you’re with someone and do decide to go all the way, then you face with two options: First, you can either spend the night spooning in post-coital bliss, or second, get the fuck out of there as soon as your partner starts to snore (or even just breathe rhythmically, if you’re less patient). Pros of spending the night include a cuddle buddy and the possibility of free breakfast in the morning. But unless you’re driving me to the farmer’s market for a breakfast burrito (what up, Kristof!), I can do without the awkward morning conversation and the question of whether we have to kiss in the morning just because we had sex last night. Route 13 is a lot further away than you remember when spending the drive with a semi-stranger you just slept with. Add on the issue of having to wear your clothes from the night before and some stanky-ass morning breath and you’ve got one hell of a breakfast. Even if it is a tortilla filled with cheesy-egg goodness.

So that leaves us with my preferred exit strategy: peacing out while he’s asleep. Yeah, it may seem bitchy, but at the same time it’s better for the both of us. Usually, I’ll lie in bed, enjoying the company of my big spoon, listening for signs of slumber. Then, I quietly and carefully find my clothes and walk myself back to my bed. Don’t take it personally, I just have a really great bed and unless I like you more than my double-stuffed down duvet, I’m going to sleep in it.

But Jess, what if I’m at your place? Oh, easy peasy lemon squeezy. A simple, “Oh crap! I totally forgot I have to wake up at 6:00 a.m. for my anti-birth control club rally!” will get anyone out in no time. Just please, make sure to take your partner’s number before you leave. That’s just common courtesy. Even if it’s clearly a one-time deal, it’s polite to take a number. Nothing makes someone feel dirtier than having a door closed on you by a casual sex partner who clearly never wants to contact you again.

It’s also a good idea to text the next day. Don’t want to seem too clingy? Don’t worry about it. Chances are that both parties involved somewhat regret the decisions made post-Palms, but everyone likes some sort of minimal contact with the person they just slept with. Especially if the sex was good. But even if the sex wasn’t so good … as my friend Jamie says, “Sex is like pizza. Even if it’s cold, it’s still pizza.” Who would turn down the opportunity to maintain a relationship with a no-strings attached fuck buddy? Even if you slept with a girl, don’t assume that she’s going to want to boyfriend up on you. Not all girls are looking for a relationship, and some even enjoy casual sex as much as any dude. Some even more. (Shocking? Eh, not really.)

Now, I know I’m going to get all kinds of negative feedback about “encouraging promiscuity” and “risky sex behaviors.” So, please remember to never have sex unless you want to, but that it is totally OK to want to for only one night with someone you may not know so well (or at all). And always use a condom. Srsly.

So, that leads me to my final point: I need a formal date, and I’m not above whoring myself out over my column. If you’re a fan or friend, free on Oct. 23 and NORMAL (that criterion is non-negotiable, I’m talking to you hot sauce nipple dude) find a way to contact me. Yes, you can Win a Date With the Sex Columnist. Can’t wait to see my inbox later today.

P.S. I probs won’t sleep with you. Just because I write the sex column, that does not make me a slut. Sorry ‘bout it.

Jess H. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at jessh@cornellsun.com. Girl On Top appears alternate Thursdays this semester.