Who decided that titty-fucking was cool? Did Sinatra used to finish his lowball of whiskey just to take home that dame across the bar for some good ol’ slipping and sliding between a pair of tig ol’ biddies? Initial research (i.e. I did not in any way attempt to research this) has been inconclusive as to Sinatra’s inter-mammary predilections, but this I do know: Everything about titty-fucking is just plain wrong — from its name, to the act itself, to the Google Images result when I type in the term (well, actually, the search results are pretty good).

As far as I know, the area of the breast halfway between the sternum and the tit is not an erogenous zone. So why would fervently rubbing one’s penis against these two locales on a woman elicit anything but a curious glance or a menacing gaze, instead of the faces of ecstasy and jubilation I see in these pictures? These girls really looked pleased. Am I missing something? Am I just not as good at performing this overly simple sexual act as a paid professional is? Before I get ahead of myself, let’s backtrack and take a look at how this tragic comedy unfolds.

“Hey baby, let’s spice it up tonight, I’m going to try something I saw on Brazzers real quick.” No. That is not how the act of titty-fucking usually starts, although in my mind this is 30 times more acceptable. Hell, I’ll even entertain my juvenility and say that it’s 69 times more acceptable.

Most cases of titty-fucking, including the instances I have personally and shamefully partaken in, began with the lustful susurration of “I’m gonna titty-fuck you.” All too willingly a smile crosses the girl’s face as she prepares the Tyrannosaurus rex tiny-armed breast cupping that will allow her B-cups to engulf his 7-iron. Ugh, terrible parallelism. English majors — get to work on something better and let me know …

Back to the story: The words have been said, the treatise agreed, but now how to position oneself for inser … err … insertion? Maybe more like channelization. Is this not the first clue that this is not a type of sex sanctioned by the sex gods, President Skorton and Cornell’s chief investment officer James Walsh (I mean, I just keep hearing their names mentioned in the same sentence as the word “endowment”)?

There is no hole! Not even a pseudo-hole such as a hand — of which comes a sexual act I also do not agree with. Challenges continue to mount on Cornell’s other slopes.

Getting into the right position to “titty-fuck” a girl — and I don’t think I can in good conscience use that expression without quotations — is more awkward buying condoms at Bear Nasties. “Titty fucking” is like trying to pass off your dad’s license — with a birth date of 1962 — at The Palms. Not only can you not get in, but it just doesn’t feel right trying to (too bad, the Palms is the best and if you’re a senior you need to be there tonight for our first Zinck’s Night).

OK, let’s say for whatever reason — you think it’ll be fun; you or your partner really want to try it; you’ve gone through your pocket Kama Sutra from cover to cover and you need some new material; or if you like losing (or winning?) at “Never Have I Ever …” — how would or should you go about doing it, especially if you’re not a candidate to star in the next JuggWorld porno production?

Everyone should aim to be comfortable enough with their bodies and with their partner(s) to try new things, so — you know what? — just go for it. Be the Pepsi Jazz of the bedroom, not the flat Diet Coke. Be willing to experiment and give it a shot, but you should probably get your hands/breasts on some lube because those things don’t just get wet by themselves and there’s no way to spell sexual pleasure with the letters c-h-a-f-e. Those tiny little single-serving handouts from Gannett probably won’t be enough either — but who am I to judge your breasts, though I will gladly judge them if you ask me to — so invest in some KY, if you’re looking for a good TF (oxymoron?).

Sex doesn’t have to be a serious competition to see if you can last through all three songs on your sex playlist. Sometimes you have to be willing to laugh as you awkwardly kneel over your partner’s stomach or squat as she kneels in front of you, awaiting some secret sexual stimulus that millennia of humans before us were ignorant of.

Ladies, ignore the stiffness growing in your neck as you strain to peer down at the ongoing below. It’s not that exciting. But, hey, none of us are going to complain if you throw in a little mouth action. You may be thinking: This is awkward. You are probably right. But “titty-fucking” might be a synecdoche (the smart English majors finally come through! Thanks L.B.!) for something bigger — experimenting with new things in general, even if they do seem stupid at first-glance/thrust.

Keep your expectations reasonable and your mind open. The Boston Brute sex position (look it up) might not work for you, but there’s no harm — apart from maybe some sore female thighs and a potential male hernia — in trying it. So go ahead and put that finger down when someone says, “Never have I ever titty-fucked someone.” At least the chances of pregnancy are slim-to-none and you’re more likely to get rug burn than an STI. But for heaven’s sake, refrain from moaning when it’s happening. Who are you kidding?

So go lube up and get at it, Cornell, whether your breasts be as minute as my GPA or large enough to be an alternate venue for Slope Day. Raffi could headline that Slope Day and I’d still attend …

Jeff K. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached, for sexual encounters or otherwise, at jeffk@cornellsun.com. Come Inside appears alternate Thursdays this semester.