The vomiting sure didn’t help. With the intensifying stench of bullshit emanating from the whole Balloon Boy Fiasco the Heene family, specifically their sleazy patriarch Richard, needed a near-perfect performance from B. Boy on the morning talk-show circuit. He’d have to pour on the cuteness. He’d have to kill ’em with innocence. He’d have to make America want to reach through their TV screens to pinch his little cheeks, tussle his hair and send the little rascal on his way.

That was the plan at least.

Instead, he squirmed and gagged and the truth came tumbling out in the form of undigested goop on network TV. And while this young boy heaved his guilt into a plastic bowl, his dick-faced father shamelessly continued the charade in a bubbling rage, clinching his teeth as his idiot son fucked up his big moment.

It added yet another bizarre layer to a fiasco that’s already overgrown with absurdity. Here’s the gist of it: On Thursday, Colorado authorities put together a massive rescue operation in order to save the life of Balloon Boy — so named because he was drifting through northern Colorado at high altitudes inside a spaceship-looking balloon … or so we thought. The balloon lands and — surprise! — no Boy inside. Must have fallen out, right? Nope! Turns out he was in the attic the whole time.

But the story doesn’t end there. There was the brother who claimed to see the Boy climb into the balloon. There was the balloon expert who said that there was no way the balloon in question could have flown off with a little kid inside. There was the revelation that the family previously appeared on ABC’s Wife Swap. There was the CNN interview where the little kid, when asked why he was hiding in the attic, said to his parents, “You guys said we did this for a show.” There was the vomiting, the painfully awkward squirming of the father, and finally, the bringing of serious criminal charges against Balloon Mom and Balloon Dad.

If the authorities are right and this was all a hoax, then we have one of the creepiest scandals of the decade on our hands. What kind of psychopath thinks up a stunt like this?

OK, so we convince the country that our son is hurtling toward his death in our homemade balloon. Then, when the search ends, he’ll crawl out of the attic and go on TV and everyone will love how cute and silly he is. Then TLC will come calling and they’ll want us to be the new Jon and Kate and we’ll be famous!

It’s a strange desperate ploy. It’s sad — that these people would corrupt and damage their son so severely not to achieve massive riches, but to get a reality TV show. They risked their livelihood, freedom and family for the chance to be mocked and ridiculed on a weekly basis. There’s a strange psychology going on here, one I can’t help but think is uniquely American.

But in a way, their hoax is completely ordinary. After all, they were pursuing money — isn’t that the best thing a person can do in this country? Americans are economic beings first and human beings second. We’re bred to be good consumers. So, it’s almost no wonder these parents used their own son as a commodity — not a person, but a means to financial ascendancy.

These Rocky Mountain psychos took part in that American money frenzy, and have caused their son untold future psychological damage. Only Bristol Palin’s poor son will have a more fucked up adolescence than Balloon Boy. Imagine when the kid turns 13 and he realizes that his parents tried to convince people he was going to die so that they could get a reality show.

Maybe Tripp Palin and Balloon Boy can go to group therapy together and compare sob stories. “You’re parents tried to use you to get a TV show? Well my mom traveled around the country with me telling everyone I was an accident and that my existence is evidence against having sex.” They could even make a reality show out of it — I’d watch.

In the end, Balloon Parents deserve every punishment the law heaps on them. They shouldn’t be in charge of anyone or anything and should pay back Colorado for the pricey rescue operation the state was tricked into launching. After all, in the race for cash they did the one thing America can’t stand — they got caught in their bullshit and lies.

What a shame, they could have been stars.

Tony Manfred is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at tmanfred@cornellsun.com. The Absurdity Exhibition appears alternate Tuesdays this semester.