J: Yo, whattup bitches? It’s your two favorite (by default) Cornell sex columnists (from this year).

J: We like to aim for the stars.

J: So, I’m sitting here in my boxers waiting for Jess to touch it.

J: I’m not going to touch it.

J: C’mon, you can type with one hand!

J: I thought you hated hand jobs.

J: This is true. I do, however, like hand jobs from girls with tiny hands so it looks Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids-disproportionately-huge.

J: But I don’t have tiny hands. Creep.

J: Am not.

J: Are too.

J: Touché.

J: First, our apologies to Rabia and Rachel for stealing your style for this column ...

J: If we’re going to be apologizing, then on a lighter note I’d also like to take this chance to send my congratulations to Eddie C. Gelfen for his 1993 Young Artist Award for best young actor co-starring in a cable series, for Salute Your Shorts. I’m sorry it took me so long Donkeylips, I just never had a medium to connect with you back then. Also, I was five.

J [First instance of completely ignoring J]: It’s too bad everyone can figure out exactly which one of us is which.

J: Moot point! Watch …

J: I have a penis.

J: You can’t write consecutive lines and inaccurate facts just to make people think that I’m you.

J: Confusing?

J: Not exactly. Anyway, clearly we are wasting each other’s time by joining forces to write our thoughts and advice on Cornell’s fourth biggest holiday: Halloween.

J: Well, I’m still holding out for this hand job so it’s not a total waste for me, yet. And I’m hoping to use a booze/boos pun somewhere in this.

J [Ignoring J again]: … And to answer the question all of you just asked your newspaper: (1) Slope Day, (2) Homecoming and (3) Orientation Week.

J [Feeling ignored]: Not cool. Anyway, reader, if you haven’t given up on us yet (like our friends and families have), sit back in your American Political Thought: Madison to Malcolm X class (I know that you read this article, Professor Kramnick — I have eyes and ears in your class. P.S. Give Ariel Fox an A+), ignore the tempting of Mr. Gnu on the next page (and Rabia and Rachel’s better rendition of back-and-forth dialogue) and read the 31 THINGS TO DO AND NOT TO DO ON HALLOWEEN (Dum, Dum, Dum!).

(J: Ha! I get it! Because Halloween’s on the 31st!)

J: And stop ripping across the picture of my face just because you want the “Buy One, Get One Free”-coupon on the backside of my column unless you’re taking me on a date to Jason’s. But even then, use next week’s coupon, cheapo.

J: Hey, don’t hate on thriftiness. Or frozen yogurt.

J: OK, focus. Here we go:

1. Freshman: DO tell your parents to “Fuck off, I’m going to Alpha Delt,” when they try to hang out with you this weekend. “Parents: My Anti-Drug” should not be the PSA to describe your Halloween. “Pumpkins: How to Have Sex on Them without Accidentally Being Penetrated by the Stalk” should be.

2. DO NOT hook up with a guy in a Superman costume. He is likely a candidate for a Levitra commercial (for readers who have never seen cable television past 10:00 p.m. or watched a football game on Sunday this translates to: “He probably has E.D.”)

3. DO bring him home to your place. Everyone knows what a Halloween walk-of-shame looks like. No slutty nurses walk around Collegetown at 10:00 a.m.

J: Or just change into the normal going-out outfit you left at his house last time you walk-of-shamed home. No one will expect you to not be in costume … Or they will think your costume is “Johnny O’s Tramp.”

4. DO make sure your costume comes off relatively easily. Just not in the terms of your crazy face paint coming off onto your date’s pelvis like the bastard child of Barnum and Bailey after you go down on her or him. Unless, of course, your costume is a face-painted Monet and you are going all Impressionist (literally and um … also literally) on his or her crotch.

5. DO make sure your costume comes off when you want it to and not before. This is Halloween, not your birthday … naked is not an appropriate costume.

J: But what if it is your birthday?

J: All bets are off. Clothes too.

6. DO NOT yell “Trick or Treat” before you cum on her face. Halloween or otherwise.

7. If you decide to spice up your cunnilingus by putting candy corn inside your vagina to have your (wo)man pick them out with his or her tongue, DO make sure to keep a good count. And know that this male sex columnist hates candy corn. But not necessarily cunnilingus.

8. DO NOT say, “You’re the fourth Quail Man I’ve hooked up with tonight!”

9. DO take advantage of the one day of the year where it is finally socially acceptable to wear socks during sex (if you are portraying Tom Cruise in Risky Business like the 30,000 other Cornellians).

10. DO NOT eat any unopened candy. Especially from strangers. This is just common sense and completely irrelevant to anything sexual. We just thought you should know … (And never open Good & Plenty. They are disgusting. DO NOT accept them from anyone. They are the candy equivalent of getting a toothbrush from your neighborhood dentist on Halloween, except 100 percent less useful and something you should never put in your mouth. The reason why they are so Plenty is because no one wants them.)

11. DO try and arrange an orgy with all of the other people who are inevitably wandering around Collegetown as Wizard of Oz characters, although this will give you a very skewed girl-to-(tin)guy ratio.

12. DO NOT try to climb through the window to any parties. You will get kicked out faster than if you jerk off in my bed and will have no chance to pick up that fireman, who for some reason only wears suspenders instead of a more sensible flame-retardant jacket.

J: Halloween doesn’t have to make sense. Just like Christmas, Hanukkah and all of those other made-up holidays.

13. DO feel free to stay in character during sex, even if you’re dressed as Bill Clinton or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (yes: bring her back to your sewer, order pizza and yell “Cowabunga!” as you ride that orgasmic wave while your four mutated turtle brothers watch and your rat mentor coaches you along the way).

14. DO NOT take anyone home if they are wearing a mask and you haven’t seen their face. This only works out well in 10 Things I Hate About You and Romeo and Juliet-modern-day remakes.

15. Not getting lucky at the frats? DO try and use your fake ID at the bars. You will actually have to pay for your drinks — gasp! — but you’re already incognito: A bouncer isn’t going to be able to tell if you as Skeeter Valentine is actually the McLovin’ from your ID. Maybe you’ll see Jess and Jeff (J: Jeff and Jess) there. Jeff will be dressed as Skeeter Valentine.

J: And if you can’t get into the frats or the bars, there are always those Bring Your Own Boos house parties! Ha! Zing! I can quit The Sun now.

16. DO keep your names straight. There are a lot of French maids, crooked cops and sea men out and about this weekend. Try not to confuse them with one another or all of your prospects will be spooked off.

J: Forced.

J: Give a girl some credit.

J: Stop trying to make it look like you’re me, Jeff!

17. DO wear a Speedo as a bottom. Any girl that will dance with you while you’re wearing one will get with you. A Borat costume can work too. A-very niiice.

[Editor’s note: Jeff, do you really want to include the most over used joke — ever — in your column?]

J: A-yessss.

18. DO keep your hookups costume appropriate. Someone dressed up as Jess would never hook up with Jeff … I mean, someone dressed up as Jeff.

19. DO make your partner wash their body paint off before getting into your nice white sheets. Jump in there too and enjoy the rainbow collection of colors swirling down the drain.

J: And correct me if I’m wrong, but I heard you can’t get pregnant if you do it the shower.

J: You are wrong. Completely, utterly wrong.

J: Oh … uh oh.

J: You OK, Jess?

J: Jeff, stop typing more than one thing in a row.

20. DO make sure the person really is the gender you are looking to get with, and not just dressed as the gender you are looking to get with.

21. DO NOT hook up with someone whose costume is a sexual pun, such as Dr. Howie Pheltersnatch, OB/GYN; Down For the Count (a girl blowing a vampire); or a Department of Erections convict.

22. DO use this holiday as an opportunity to fulfill your partner’s sexual fantasy without feeling embarrassed. Yes, some girls really do want Papa Smurf to “lick their ass.”

23. DO make sure the girl in the cheerleader costume is not actually an Ithaca High School cheerleader. Sometimes anything after 12 isn’t lunch …

24. DO NOT go out after dark without a flashlight. There are not enough blue lights on this campus to not be safe. And DO wear reflective clothing! The only thing worse than a sexy bunny is sexy road-kill.

25. DO NOT dismiss a non-sexy costume at first sight. Anyone can look good in bunny ears and lingerie, but there might be a hottie underneath that sumo wrestling costume.

26. DO NOT use black face. As part of the costume. In the bedroom. Anywhere. Inappropriate.

27. Seriously, it’s offensive.

28. DO try out some of AskMen.com’s “Top 10 Halloween Sex Positions”: “Night of the F*cking Dead” sounds like a real winner/popular sex position among walruses (walri?).

J: Random sex fact! Walruses have the largest penis of any land mammal (Note: I am not using this as an opportunity to make a lame joke that walruses actually have the second largest penis of any land mammal, after me. But I would like to note that I thought about making this joke).

29. DO NOT hook up with a nun based on principle. They made a “costumary” commitment to God, don’t be the one to make them break it.

30. DO NOT hook up with anyone who wears a gold chain that says “Open Marriage.” DEALBREAKER! (30 Rock? Anyone?)

31. DO NOT hit on the person giving you a JA. They are a real cop, not a sexy cop. And you are dressed in cat ears. Maybe do hit on them and see where it goes. A lot of pornos do seem to start with a cop and a felon, so what if this one is with a cop and a feline?

J: Ooh! Ooh! Can we do one for good luck?

J: Um, if it’s good …

32. DO quit while you’re ahead. Don’t be the little snot-nosed punk that takes all of the candy from the bowl the neighbors who aren’t home left out. Which is a metaphor. For if you said you were going to make a list of 31 things and you have nothing more to say, stop at 31. Which is a metaphor. For go out and have some fun this Halloween.

J: Any closing words? 


J: That depends. Are you going to touch it?

J: NO!

J [Putting on pants and storming away]: Hmph.

J: You can’t write that. You’re still here.

J: I know.

J: OK, idiot, really, any closing words?

J: Why, yes … [Whilst cumming on J’s face] TRICK OR TREAT!

J: Why am I letting you type?

J: Because I use more than just two index fingers.

J: You are hopeless. Happy Halloween everyone. DO NOT hook up with Jeff.

J: I thought we were going to quit while we were ahead …

Jeff K. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at jeffk@cornellsun.com. Jess H. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at jessh@cornellsun.com. Their own columns appear alternate Thursdays this semester, but today, for Halloween, they wrote one together.