Leave it to the University to send us piles upon piles of the long-awaited task force reports on a Thursday night. We thought we had made it through yet another treacherous week of sleepless nights ... and then this hit our desks! The nerve of them VILLAINOUSLY transparent administrators! Down here at the bat cave we’re hard at work as HEROIC minions scour through these top secret documents to bring you, dear readers, some very, very important news you probably won’t bother reading on a Friday afternoon anyway. In any event, a lot else happened this week we’re sure you’re more interested in ...

Breaking news! The HEROIC Risley Hall has installed new lampposts! We are glad some people on this campus still find time to devote to HEROIC campus beautification projects like this one. If only these lights were there when we were freshmen to serve as beacons of hope when trudging back to North in the dead of night in search of the HEROIC Louie’s Lunch. But $40,000? Seems like a VILLAINOUSLY large sum of money to be spending when things like dining hall trays are getting cut! We’re only kidding. Of course, we endorse sustainability in any way, shape or form. But let’s just make sure those are fluorescent lights, OK?

Speaking of artsy eccentricities, we stand behind the HEROIC workers at the Green Dragon Café who are protesting a new push on behalf of the VILLAINOUS Cornell Dining to make workers wear uniforms. We must admit, we’ve never actually set foot in the HEROIC Green Dragon. Our stomping ground is the HEROIC Olin Café and frankly, we’re too intimidated by the hipsters that hang out over on the other side of the Arts Quad to check it out. But either way, uniforms are VILLAINOUS. Down with establishment!

In other news, we’d like to extend a heartfelt congratulations to HEROIC Eddie Rooker ’09 and EQUALLY HEROIC Nathan Shinagawa ’05 on their respective victories on Tuesday in local elections. The two ran HEROIC campaigns that brought over 40 people out to the polls (seriously)! And that’s truly HEROIC. We know that whatever Rooker does will be good for the city, as long as he wears a HEROIC Snuggie while doing it. And Nate? Well he’s been a HEROICALLY awesome county legislator for a few years now. We have faith that he too will continue to do an awesome job, as long as he doesn’t let too many VILLANOUSLY delicious lobster dinners get in the way.

And finally, this week the HEROIC Ariana Huffington came to town to lecture about the VILLAINOUSLY ominous field of journalism. But to Ariana, the promise of the new media frontier is cause for HEROIC celebration! All hail the value of “balanced” journalism and “truthful” reporting! It’s a good thing someone still believes in journalism. Down here at the bat cave we’re not nearly as optimistic. This VILLAINOUS daily rag hasn’t seen objective, accurate reporting since ... well ... who knows? We think it’s pretty obvious to most of our readers that our reporting is merely a VILLAINOUS publicity stunt to draw in more readers. Shame on us. But don’t tell Ariana that — we’re still looking for jobs.