Somewhere on the “going out” spectrum, between a frat party rager and having to pay for drinks at a bar, lies the house party — an often overlooked, yet essential part of The Cornell Experience™. And while going to a house party where you know people can be fun, it’s always more memorable when you wind up crashing a totally random one that you weren’t invited to. Here’s how these scenarios usually start for me on Friday and Saturday nights:
Friend (via text message): Hey, a friend of a friend of a friend of mine got a Facebook invite to a party happening on Linden. Looks pretty good.
Me: How many people are attending?
Friend: Over 200.
Me: What’s the girl-to-guy ratio?
Friend: About 50-50.
Me: What’s the female breakdown of brunettes, blondes and redheads?
Friend: 65%, 30% and 5%, respectively.
Me: Sounds good. See you in half an hour.
(*Cue Jersey Shore-style “getting ready” montage*)
But what truly makes house parties great is the wide array of people you encounter during your drunken adventures. Lucky for you guys, I happen to have a comprehensive list of these characters right here — mostly because I really enjoy making lists.
The Rich, Pompous Asshole
When talking with this guy, be prepared for some uber-pretentious questions, my personal favorite being, “Where do you summer?” (Didn’t know “summer” was a verb? You do now.) He will also give you and everyone else at the party a personal tour of the walk-in closet in his bedroom, because that’s apparently a really important thing in his life right now.
The Sammi and Ronnie Of the House Party
Are they together? Not together? No one really knows, but one thing is for sure: Don’t let these two people drink, because they’ve been known to ruin parties, as well as Seasons 2 and 3 of Jersey Shore.
The International Students
If you end up at a house where people are dancing the Merengue instead of grinding, and are drinking something called “El Guapo” instead of Keystone, then you’ve hit the jackpot of house parties. Never leave.
The Rare Jewel
This girl is funny, smart, attractive and down-to-earth. She’s the type of girl that you would definitely “wife up,” to quote Vinny and Pauly D. The unfortunate thing is that she’s got guys circling around her like a bunch of red Koopa shells from Mario Kart 64 (notice how I picked the heat-seeking shells and not the regular shells). If you can manage to get her number by the end of the night, then you’ve been successful.
The Crazy, Drunk Guy Who Comes Up With Nicknames for People
He’ll size you up, and then give you a nickname that will stay with you for the rest of the night, and possibly forever: “Hey, it’s Jean-Claude Van Damme! And look at his friends, John Travolta and Jackie Chan!” Several days later, you’ll run into this guy on campus when he’s actually sober and he will have no recollection of who you are.
The Girl Who Forces Everyone To Play Kings
There’s nothing I hate more than when a girl pulls out a deck of cards at a house party and I have to pretend to be excited. “Sure, I’ll play Kings!” I’ll say with a fake smile. Ladies, if a guy tells you that he likes to play Kings, he’s probably lying. Most guys would rather play beer pong every time, mainly because that game is the closest we’re ever going to get to playing professional basketball in the NBA. And this brings me to the next thing on my list …
The Professional Beer Pong Players
These guys must have started training to play beer pong in the womb, because they are unfairly good, and they know it. They will try to psyche you out by making shots with their eyes closed and by incessantly trash-talking you all night long. Play against these guys at your own risk.
The 21st Birthday Girl
At a large house party, odds are that it’s some girl’s birthday, and she’s usually easy to spot because she’s sporting a sparkly birthday crown. (When did this become a thing?) Even if you don’t know her, she’ll still be very happy to see you, especially if she’s getting close to taking her 21st shot of the night.
If you encounter one of your Psych 1101 T.A.s, then I would suggest completing No. 78 on the 161 List (Hook Up With Your T.A.). If, on the other hand, you run into that T.A. who you recently complained to because he gave you a 73 on that last assignment, then you may have entered Awkward-Town, USA.
The Out-of-Place Bro
Outside of his natural habitats of Noyes, Dino’s and his frat, the bro will often appear confused and scared at a house party. Also, as he gets more and more drunk, his buttoned-down shirt will get more and more unbuttoned — I guess because showing off his pecs and chest hair makes him feel more at ease.
The Guy Who Will Kick You Out of His Party
This situation actually happened to me during Halloween weekend. “Who are you and who do you know here?” he asked me. I didn’t really have a good answer, so I decided to exit the premises. I also didn’t want to fight the guy, because I didn’t feel like sending anyone to the hospital that night.
The Girl Who Will Drink Your Good Beer and Leave
A couple of weeks ago my roommates and I had our own party, and some girl walked in, drank our Stellas and left. If anyone has any idea of the whereabouts of this girl, please let me know.
Corey Brezak is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.