Cornell offers 76 undergraduate majors, each with its own degree of difficulty, and each distinguished by the sexiness of its students. I don’t care if you’re in a Greek organization, what town you come from or what you want to do with your life. I can understand everything I need to know about you from that one question you get asked the most freshman year: What’s your major?
9. Viticulture and Enology
To be perfectly honest, I only know two Viticulture majors, but these ladies are damn sexy. Their passion in life is to understand and create the elixir of the gods, and they certainly know how to party. Before she takes you to bed, she’ll pop open a bottle of vino she fermented herself. After you get over its disgusting taste (she’s still learning!), you’ll plan a future date to a vineyard. I’ve had sex in a vineyard, and trust me, it is awesome.
Architecture students are cooped up in studio 20 hours a day, so when you catch one of them emerging into the sunlight, the pent up sexual energy is palpable. You’ll probably have the craziest sex of your life. When I pass by Rand Hall and see an unbelievably fashionable man smoking a cigarette, I almost have to look away to shield my eyes from his pure sexiness.
These free spirits who haven’t decided their majors are sure to be open, honest and not looking for a committed relationship. While the rest of us are so afraid of being major-less that we just picked the first one that seemed interesting, students who are undecided aren’t going to settle. If you’ve landed one, you know you’re something extraordinary, but be cautious: they are constantly searching, so don’t expect this one to stick around.
6. Hotel Administration
The academic focus of a Hotelie is how to make money, how to cook and how to be hospitable. What this translates to sexually is a giving, courteous lover, who cooked you a fancy meal before your rendezvous in a perfectly made bed. Hotelies are also — as a rule — wildly charming, especially if you run into one in a suit on a Friday.
These passionate hipsters will write you love poems and spend all day having sex with you to get “life experience” they can eventually use in their memoirs. To find one, wait for a sunny day on the Arts Quad: they are sure to be reading quaintly under a tree or lying on the grass contemplating the balance of fate and free will in Shakespeare’s Richard III.
4. Nutritional Sciences
The majority of Nutrition majors are sexy women. Just ask one of the ten male nutrition majors — who are equally sexy — why they love their major. They know how to take care of their bodies, and they’ll know how to take care of yours too. Anatomy classes are useful for more than just learning the function of the gall bladder, if you know what I mean. But be wary of going to dinner with a Nutrition major, she may judge you for ordering a cheeseburger.
When I say engineering, I am specifically referring to Mechanical, Operations Research and Civil Engineers. I realize this is a controversial choice to put the stereotypically nerdy engineers third. However, some of the sexiest, best-looking people I know are engineers. The best part is, as a whole, they don’t realize how hot they are because they’re too busy deciding if something is a Poisson process.
2. Applied Economics and Management
AEM majors are sexy and they know it. Despite this bothersome cockiness, there is no denying the cold, hard facts. A quick prowl through Warren Hall (what’s left of it) will leave you with the feeling that you should just camp out on one of the benches and commence Husband Watch 2011. This is another major that leaves a lot of free time for sex, since the classes are mostly about how to network and what a brand is.
1. Industrial and Labor Relations
The dreamy look in their eyes and the business-casual attire on their backs distracts me every time I step foot in Ives. No wonder I always get lost on the way to Catherwood Library. They are the students who would have been in AEM except for the fact that they have souls. These students’ passion for the underdog and stunning good looks make ILR, hands down, the number one sexiest major at Cornell.
Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at email@example.com. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.