What is everyone’s problem with Valentine’s Day? Personally, it’s one of my favorite holidays. Not because of the chocolate, the flowers, the impossible to make dinner reservations. Not even because your boyfriend, who never remembers your anniversary, who doesn’t even know anniversaries exist, is reminded on Feb. 14 by the mass media that he should at least make a minimal amount of effort. Not only because of my pathological love of all holidays does next Tuesday excite me. No. Valentine’s Day deserves some major respect because of the passionate, romantic, amazing sex that it facilitates.
No matter if you are celebrating with your long-term significant other, a blind date or someone just looking for love at a bar, Valentine’s day does for sex what the Superbowl does for wings: increases consumption. Nothing gets females in the mood more than being wooed into bed with more than the usual, “Wanna come over and watch a movie?” or the 1 a.m. “Hey what’s up?” text that clearly means his penis is what’s up. Roses and romance are a huge step up from what we’re used to. Although the term “making love” makes me want to puke, believing sex is more than just an act makes it way better for both parties.
Even if it’s a holiday perpetuated by consumerism and the media, at least it makes for a great night of — dare I say it — love making. Christmas doesn’t have that! Thanksgiving doesn’t have that!
Sealing the deal with your Valentine is not complicated — Cupid has your back. It’s really all about the element of surprise. The stupidest, cheesiest shit like rose petals and champagne makes pants come off in no time on Valentine’s Day. A cookie shaped like a heart. Even a five-dollar bear that says “Be Mine.” The most unimaginative display of affection works.
To be honest, if you acquire a Valentine, this person probably already knows if they are willing to allow the night to elevate to a sexual level. But the amount of effort you put in is directly proportional to how great the sex will be. Some of the most mediocre sex I’ve ever had has been the most romance-less — when you know each other well enough that it’s not mysterious, but you also know that it’s not headed towards anything real. It does the trick, don’t get me wrong. But it’s nothing like Valentine’s Day sex.
Hazel to my left is probably gauging her eyes out and vowing to never read my article again (I can’t be sure, but I’m guessing she hates Valentine’s Day). If you’re similarly ripping up the paper or writing a nasty comment on the online version in response to this column because you’re single or otherwise romantically disillusioned, bear with me. Even my single friends who “couldn’t imagine themselves with a boyfriend” or “just can’t be committed to one person right now” find themselves seeking romance on Valentine’s Day. Sure, being alone can be mildly depressing this time of year, but Feb. 14 also offers some kind of hope. Maybe you’ll finally get laid because every other single person in this town is wishing they weren’t single. Or, the romantic version: Maybe you’ll finally find your soul mate when you are both distracting your lonely selves with red-velvet lattes at CTB, and glance up in your restlessness and lock eyes. As you realize you’re both drinking the same disgusting beverage the conversation moves to your shared love of Samuel Beckett, how you both ordered the Sweet Rachel and eventually up to his room.
But I digress. Although I’m usually the first person to point out the futility of consumerism or the detrimental effects the media has on our society, I’ve come to terms with Valentine’s Day. While we may be brainwashed to buy lame Hallmark cards or to try in vain to make restaurant reservations, at least in this case we’re being brainwashed to care. If cheesy gestures of cheap chocolate and overpriced bouquets remind you for a second that romance still exists in the one-night-stand culture we live in, then Valentine’s Day has succeeded.
Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.