According to a Cornell survey, 14 percent of non-academic employees are either dissatisfied or strongly dissatisfied with their jobs. Cornell needs to step in and figure out what is making employees so unhappy and work to lower this statistic. In the meantime, however, we sent out a crack team of Berry Patch reporters to find the jobs at Cornell that will never be satisfying, no matter how hard the University tries.

Winter 2011-12 Snow Plow Driver

This employee, universally hated by Cornell students, normally exacts the greatest pleasure from preventing class cancellations, and nothing makes him happier than turning a snow day into a 9:05 “delayed opening.” Whenever a big snowstorm comes around, this employee drives around campus in his giant plow, violently pushing aside students’ hopes and dreams, only to go on and rub salt into their open wounds. This year, this employee has spent countless miserable days rocking back and forth on his couch, looking out the window for the sign of white powder falling from the sky and his next big fix.

The Guy Inside the Touchdown Mascot

One of the most unbearable jobs on campus is donning the Touchdown the Bear costume. Sure, Touchdown looks so happy on the outside with his big bear smile but deep inside, he is filled with copious amounts of tears and anguish. This person’s job is nearly impossible, as he has to get Cornell students actually excited about Cornell football. We’re sure that giving drunk frat bros high fives can be pretty taxing as well. The only redeeming quality of the job is that though he has to be present at Cornell home football games, he never actually has to watch, which would be the most tortuous job of all.

Alumni Relations

If employees think dealing with Cornell students on a daily basis is frustrating, think about the people that have to deal with the old alumni. When they aren’t getting hung up on by unemployed recent alums who would rather be speaking to their local politician’s campaign robo-call than get asked for money from an institution that just took $200,000 from them, they have to sit and listen to old Constance Rubenstein ramble on for 20 minutes about her time at Cornell and then listen for another 20 minutes as Constance rattles off the list of her health conditions.

Unhappy Frank

Do you ever wonder why Happy Dave is always so happy? You would think his would have to be one of the most draining jobs on campus. Happy Dave sits behind the counter at Okenshields all day swiping ID card after ID card after ID card. He stays happy, though, thanks to the work of his trusty personal assistant, Unhappy Frank. Unhappy Frank does all of the things that might make Happy Dave unhappy, thus sparing Cornell students from seeing Dave unhappy, which we think most likely resembles Dr. Bruce Banner becoming The Hulk. This leaves Frank doing such unhappy things as getting Happy Dave coffee, filing his paperwork and making photocopies.