Depending on how intense your spring break was, you might still be recovering from it like I am. Thus, those of you reading this in print have a lovely Mad Lib to entertain you as you struggle through your Thursday. To read my column in it’s Mad Lib form, go to the opinion section of cornellsun.com and read away. -SD
Before spring break I had never been to the Midwest. Now I’ve been twice, and I can indeed confirm that Minnesota accents do exist. Because I spent 86 hours of my spring break inside a moving vehicle (and also eight years in marching band), I now consider myself something of a roadtrip guru; and thus this column was born. Inspired by my fossil fueled spring break, I now present to you the Sam Dean Guide to Ridiculous Road Tripping.
1. DO bring snacks. Being stuck in a box on wheels without noms is the worst. Remaining in a half-starved state for an extended period of time can send your sanity over the edge quicker than Wile E. Coyote chasing the Road Runner.
2. DO make friends with the bus driver. Like your dentist, doctor and hairdresser your life is literally in their hands. Tip them well.
3. DO live tweet the bus ride. Not only is it fun for you, but it’s fun for everyone else on the Internet to read all the crazy stuff you and your friends say.
4. DO take pictures of your friends sleeping and post them to Facebook. See who in the vehicle can get the most likes for their particular snoozing portrait. Bonus points for drool.
5. DO bring your pajamas and Scooby Doo slippers. Except if you sleep in the nude, in which case you should bring your Snuggie for full coverage of the necessities.
6. DO watch all six Star Wars movies in one sitting (seven, if you want to count Star Wars: The Clone Wars). Cheer extra loud when Admiral Ackbar tells you it’s a trap.
7. DO bring Mad Libs. DO make them overtly sexual.
8. DO have impromptu sing alongs of any and every song you could possibly think of. Spice Girls? Pokérap? Party in the U.S.A.? The world is your DJ.
9. DO watch Mean Girls. DO quote the entire movie. DO continue quoting the entire movie for the duration of your trip until you make “fetch” happen.
10. DO purchase a smutty romance novel at a sketchy gas station and stage a dramatic reading. Bonus points for reenactments or for having the person with the manliest voice read aloud.
11. DO admit to farting if you let one rip. DON’T be a Lying Larry and try to pretend it wasn’t you.
12. DO bring a (reusable) water bottle. Just DON’T drink too much, because the bus bathroom is something to be avoided at all costs. Peeing in a bus bathroom is like the bull riding of urination: supremely difficult.
13. DO bring a GPS. Nowadays maps are just posters for hipsters.
14. DO bring a towel. DON’T panic.
1. DON’T poop on the bus. Rule #1 is NO number 2. You can’t flush on a bus.
2. DON’T plug more than three laptop chargers into a power strip plugged into the only outlet on the bus. You will blow the fuse that controls the internet and the T.V. and everyone else on the bus will want to see you drawn and quartered.
3. DON’T watch any Back to the Future movies after the first one. DO choose horrible-but-also-awesome movies like Lesbian Vampire Killers, Ninja Cheerleaders, Frankenfish and Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars.
4. DON’T eat at McDonalds more than once. Your cardiovascular system can only take so many McGangBangs.
5. DON’T bring homework and expect to actually do it, because I’m telling you, it won’t happen.
6. DON’T assume everyone else in your hotel room brought toothpaste, because it could turn out that nobody brought toothpaste and then you’re screwed. Have fun with that halitosis.
7. DON’T forget deodorant. For the sake of all that is holy, DON’T forget this.
8. DON’T assume that the weather will be the same when you get back. This is Ithaca. If it’s 75 and sunny when you leave, make sure you bring a hoodie because it’ll be nippy and 45 when you return.
9. DON’T be under the impression that you’ll be getting massive amounts of sleep on an overnight bus ride (or any bus ride for that matter). Having spent four of my spring break nights sleeping on a bus, my sleep deficit is worse now than it was when spring break started. Buses were not designed with catching Z’s in mind.
10. DON’T be the first person to fall asleep, or else your sleeping baby face could end up on Facebook.
And last but not least, DO email me your best and funniest mad libs about road trips, because I love being entertained.
Sam Dean is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Casual WTFery appears alternate Thursdays this semester.