Think about the best sex you’ve ever had. Now that I’ve brought a smile to your face, think about when that sex occured. Was it the first time you ever had sex with that person? Probably not.
A while back I was talking to one of my guy friends about his sex life, which I ofent like to do with my guy friends. He had just gotten out of a relationship that lasted four years or some similarly crazy long time. Of course he was having some new sexual experiences with a few new girls, but it wasn’t the same. He had a rhythm with his ex that doesn’t come easily with shorter stints of sexual relations.
The first time I have sex with someone new, well . . . I wouldn’t say I do my best work. I spend most of the time trying to discern their personal style, and I’m not talking about if he looks good in blue. Is it fast or slow? How is he with his hands? How long is this going to last? How do I look in this lighting? Am I sleeping here tonight? How long before it’s rude to kick him out?
Of course these are important questions, but I also find during that first time, we are all much more inhibited. And not only are we more inhibited, but clearly we overthink things. Sure, I have some tricks up my sleeve but I won’t pull them out — pun intended — now! Even if I just learned an innovative new hand-job technique at the dinner table of my sorority, it never seems right to whip it out — pun intended — that first time.
Maybe this is a personal problem. Maybe you’re reading this thinking, “Morgan T., you’re crazy. It doesn’t matter if the person is different, my moves are always the same! I never overthink anything — I just picked random classes during course enroll! Clearly, I’m amazing in bed!” (If this is true, and you’re actually amazing in bed, call me).
But I guess my philosophy on sex is different. Different people have different needs, different desires and preferences. Maybe your jackhammering style worked on your high school girlfriend, but sex isn’t one-size-fits-all — pun intended.
Although there is something to be said for confidence that first time, there is a trade-off to this. In my travels, I’ve found the more confidence in bed the first time, the less likely there will be any improvement in subsequent rompings. A more confident lover the first time, the more stubborn and unperceptive later. At least this is what I’ve found.
But what about one night stands? What I can say is this: One-night stands are different. Generally, one-night stands are booze-filled, adventurous, spontaneous horses of a different color. Personally, if I’m looking for some great sex, I’m not going to go out to find the next guy at the bar, strike up conversation, say “let’s get out of here,” warn my roommate and bring him back to my place. Sure, those times are always fun and exciting but they rarely will leave you with that ultra-satisfied, best-sex-you-can-remember feeling.
You have to build up to that. Sex is not like riding a bike. It’s like driving a car. Sure you got your license at sixteen, but that doesn’t mean you were ready to hop in a Porche Boxter and drive it like it’s supposed to be driven. And while some cars are inherently better to drive, that first time is always a little awkward and jumpy. The horsepower, the sensitivity of the breaks, the smoothness of the ride, the gas mileage. Different every time, and always takes some getting used to.
Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.