Hello prospective students. Welcome to Cornell and congratulations on picking up The Sun a.k.a., the best paper in the Ivy League (okay that’s a personal belief, but where else do you get “class acts” like myself writing in the school paper? Certainly not at Penn). Furthermore, congratulations on making it to the opinion section. Let me introduce you to myself and the other writers this wonderful Thursday. Opposite me is Sam Dean who you should definitely read if you want a laugh. My column is also kind of funny on good days (seriously though, it’s actually really funny, but unfortunately for you I will have graduated by the time you will be reading The Sun every day. Bummer for you). Also there is the Patricia Kim who I am sure is going to write something with a lot more content than either Sam or I.
Anyway, as I was saying, congratulations on making it to Cornell. It is a pretty magical place (not the kind of place with dragons and goblins — I know, I was disappointed too when I first got here — but the kind where it is generally amazing). Since some of you are apparently undecided about enrolling here, I thought I would dedicate this column to convincing you to attend the land of lollipop forests and peanut brittle houses (like Candyland, only better).
First of all, is it really even a question? Let’s assume you applied to all of the Ivy League schools and you were accepted by all of them. Columbia is out of the running because they are pretty much the worst at sports in the Ivy League. They don’t even have a hockey team. Cross off Yale; they have a lot of grade inflation (you want to work for your grades, right?). Say no to Harvard. It smells like fish (or at least that’s what I assume since we throw fish at their hockey team). Princeton is in New Jersey … I guess that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you choose Brown you will always be answering the question: “Did you see Hermione in class today?” which is bound to get annoying. Dartmouth is even more in the middle of nowhere than Cornell. That leaves UPenn. Penn could be an okay choice I guess, but does Penn have a Hotel School? Nope. So in case you change your mind once you start college and decide you want to make boatloads of money after you graduate working in hospitality and being paid to drink good wine, you should probably just come to Cornell to be safe.
Also, aside from playfully ripping on all the other Ivy League schools (I stress playfully, because I really am kidding) Cornell has many other great things. For instance, we have an enormous campus full of huge hills. You will never have to worry about gaining the freshman 15 (Did I mention the food here is delicious?) even if you never step foot in the gym once. Sure you may show up to class all sweaty with your feet on fire, but just think of how you are cutting your risk for heart disease.
We also have a town dedicated to college. Yes, the mysterious Collegetown. You may have only heard rumors — that jungle of restaurants, upperclassmen and liquor — but it does exist. The administration will do anything to keep you away (just like Jiminy Cricket tried to keep Pinocchio out of Toyland, so he doesn’t turn into a donkey), but it is actually a really great place with pretty much anything you may need as a college student and a brand new froyo place (Does Dartmouth have one of those? To be honest I have no idea, but let’s go with no).
Also it is important to let you know that all of us do in fact know what is going on. I feel like this is necessary to say since there are many prospective students on campus this time of year and they often look confused or lost. Current Cornell students are not lost (well, sometimes we are when it comes to classes) so those people with their parents that look lost are in fact other prospective students.
Okay put this paper down and look around you. See that. Isn’t it pretty? Cornell’s campus is gorges … (I feel like I sold out writing that, but I think I am just going to leave it). If you haven’t been looking around you and been enthralled by the waterfalls and cliffs and rolling green hills then you are probably from Ithaca.
If you do end up coming to Cornell, here are some things that will undoubtedly happen to you:
- You will become smarter
- You will learn what it means to be cold
- You will carry an umbrella at all times
- You will learn a bunch of awesome (though in the grand scheme of things, useless) acronyms
- You will own upwards of 15 items of clothing that say Cornell on them
- You will try a lot of amazing things you never thought you would try
- You will learn how to deal with stress
- You will meet an engineer (they don’t hide away at Cornell like they do at other schools)
- You will (with 90 percent certainty) become more preppy
- You will put your arm around a random stranger and sway back and forth with them when you hear the Alma-Mater
- You will eat at a place known as Nasties and most importantly,
- You will think Cornell is the best Ivy League school or just the best school in general
That was your impromptu lesson about Cornell. Now all that is left to say is this: COME TO CORNELL!! Trust me.
Will Spencer is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at email@example.com. Tripping Up Stairs appears alternate Thursdays this semester.