Dearest readers, this is my final sex column. I know, I know you’re all crying. It’ll be fine! Maybe next year I’ll write about a more broad subject matter. So I was going to write a column recounting the good, the bad and the ugly experiences that resulted from my sex column writings, but it was turning out to be boring and I didn’t even want to read it. What is something I would want to read about?
Then it hit me: sex music. I’ve always been one to prefer some background music while doing the dirty, and through my college career I’ve been on an epic quest to find great music to bang to. While I have in no way reached the end to this journey, this is what I have come up with so far.
First of all, let’s get all thoughts of the bow-chica-wow-wow genre out of our heads. That shit makes sex corny and lame. Also, like all opinion columns, this is my opinion. You can have sex to Ke$ha for all that I care. So let’s get down to it (if you will).
A Tribe Called Quest: There is something about putting on some Tribe with the volume kind of low that makes you feel like you’re doing exactly what you should be doing at that moment. Especially if you’re about to, or have just had sex. It makes you feel like you should be in a half-sketchy smoke-filled room full of sex. Or something.
The Naked And Famous: Great for when it’s a weird time like 4 a.m., not when you’re done from a night of partying, but when you just find yourself having sex in the middle of the night and you need some jams to jam to while you’re jamming.
Fleet Foxes: I know it’s not the sexiest of music, but it’s so good I just want to have sex to it. They’re upbeat but not too upbeat, romantic but not overtly so. It kind of makes you feel like you’re having sex on a grassy meadow on a hillside, and I don’t mean Libe Slope, although I do hope one day to have sex on Libe Slope … but I digress.
Classically Sexy Almost Retro Hip-Hop: (No, this is not the name of some great new hipster band). Now usually I’m not one for sexin’ to music that basically has instructions as to how to do your sexin’, but some of these songs are just too perfect for grinding to pass up: “Ignition (Remix)” - R. Kelly (an obvious choice), “Grind With Me” - Pretty Ricky, “How Do U Want It” - 2Pac, “Bump n’ Grind” - R. Kelly. You get the picture.
G. Love and the Special Sauce: Hailing from Philly, G. Love is twangy, blues-y and sexy, just how I like my lovers. Only some of his songs are appropriate for banging though. For example, “Blues Music” and “Sweet Sugar Mama” are great, “Cold Beverage” and “Booty Call” are not so great.
Jack Johnson: Not that I’ve ever had sex to Jack Johnson, but I feel like if you were completely in love and you call sex “making love,” then Jack would be pretty appropriate. It could be pretty cute, but again, I’ve never personally experienced it. It could get weird for all that I know.
Sam Cooke: Seriously check this guy out. He’s what you should be listening to when you’re sitting on a porch on a cool summer night wearing gingham. The air is a little humid. It’s groovy enough for the bedroom, but still background-y enough that you can lose yourself in whatever you’re doing so you can do it right.
Nirvana: I apologize for this bad joke in advance — there is nothing like Nirvana to put you in Nirvana. It’s angsty, it’s angry, it’s perfect for those times when you kind of hate the person you’re having sex with for some reason but that just makes them sexier. For example, break up sex. Blast some Cobain and you’re good to go.
xmusic.fm: I’m pretty into this site. It has a great variety of tunes to get it on to, and I highly recommend checking it out. Just don’t check it out for the first time right before you need some sex music. You don’t want someone naked in your bed, ready to have sex with you, while you’re dicking around on your laptop. Be prepared.
Of course, at a certain point if the sex is half-decent, no one is hearing the music.
Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.