So, you want to have a threesome, a ménage à trois. How does one get two other people naked in bed with them? No, roofies are never the answer, so what then? Persistence! If you ask just once for an orgy, there will be a few laughs, awkward stares, and then you’ll find yourself unsatisfied, wondering why no one will take you seriously. The magic number of times to ask for an orgy is six. Any less and you cannot be sure if your friends are just being timid. Any more and you should probably enroll in nymphomaniacs anonymous.
Threesomes are like snowflakes. When the elements come together they form an intimate, crystalline structure, which is completely unique. As they all have different outcomes, you must ask yourself what your preferred threesome would be. Guys: Have you always dreamed of boobies upon boobies lightly dusting your body while you are pleasured both manually and orally? Yes. Yes you have. Girls: Have you always dreamed of two sets of strong arms vying for your attention, while your body is showered with kisses from both the neck down and the toes up? Yes. At least I have. But, do straight people ever desire a threesome with a member of the same sex? Well, if my math is working out correctly, in a threesome of straight people, there has got to be some same-sex loving.
I would argue that in a threesome there must be touching of all parties involved. I assumed that a threesome with two boys meant at least they would have a little butt touching or nipple licking, but with some research, I found this was just my dirty little mind at work. I recently found out that someone I am close with, and occasionally very close with, has been a participant in one of these bonding experiences.
We will call this dude Crafty Paul. Now Crafty Paul was at a party at his fraternity annex when a girl began to come on to him. First this was innocent, a game of beer pong together, but then she began to really exhibit her interest. She was flirting with him, but Crafty Paul, being a sly cat, knew that she had had relations with his good friend who was just at the other side of the beer pong table. Crafty Paul was puzzled by the calm look his friend was shooting him while this chick caressed his chest during the middle of the game. The game ended and the friend, we will call him Dunk, walked over to the girl and Paul to congratulate the winners. Afterwards, he casually invited the two of them to his bedroom.
Crafty Paul felt he was about to embark on quite the adventure, but he was ready for it. He knew that his friend was down for whatever and whoever was going to go down that night. Paul remembers thinking that he, “wanted to do something legendary with the seniors before they left.” Well now that their story is in the paper, I would say it has made legendary status. Congrats.
Crafty Paul said that he began by rubbing the girl’s thigh while Dunk made out with her. I thought that they would have stripped off the girl’s clothing slowly and then proceeded to get naked, but in reality they all drunkenly tripped over pants and clumsily unhooked bras. She began to trail her kisses down near Dunk’s dunkeroo and put it in her mouth. This was not a pleasing sight for Crafty and his member slowly began to lose its stiffness. He found, unfortunately, that he was far too straight to stay hard while witnessing another dick in such close proximity. Sadly, Crafty Paul sneakily creeped out of the room to let the rest of the deed to be performed in privacy.
When having a “bonding experience” with a couple, it is hard to know where that fine line exists between bonding and ruining your friendship. What happens if you start to pleasure his girl while she goes down on him? She’s enjoying herself and your friend is loving the attention. Then all of a sudden, she stops giving him head and looks longingly at you. Shit! She’s gonna cum, you remember that your friend told you that she never cums when he goes down on her. What becumes of this conundrum? This is the reason that one should never be intimate with a friend’s significant or even not so significant other. Some of us know how to turn down an invitation of this kind, other, more horny bastards, take the chance and run with it, just to ruin friendships and relationships. What then, are the right circumstances for a threesome? Sexy strangers! Yes, this is the ultimate threesome.
Mona G. is a junior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. One Night Stand appears alternate Thursdays this semester. Feedback and submissions may be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.