It’s been a pretty rough week. First, the VILLAINOUS MTV cancelled the HEROIC Jersey Shore. We were temporarily comforted by the talk of Vinny Guadagnino HEROICALLY enrolling at Cornell, but it was just a rumor, as was talk of the VILLAINOUS Justin Bieber enrolling. Luckily, Snookie had a HEROIC baby, so another generation of Jersey Shorers lives on (Class of 2034?).
Despite our disappointment, Biebs not coming was probably for the best. He likely would have been VILLAINOUSLY crammed in a forced quintuplet or lounge turned dorm room. We all know he needs his beauty sleep to maintain that HEROIC coiffure.
Fortunately, we can all drown our sorrows at the HEROIC Bear’s Den, which opened this Wednesday. With a new watering hole on campus, maybe the lonely graduate students will be less VILLAINOUS when grading our papers. But still, with HEROIC one dollar drafts at The Big Red Barn, we think grad life looks pretty sweet.
Meanwhile, VILLAINOUS undergrads have trashed Collegetown, upset by the new lack of pizza. But it’s OK: CTP is HEROICALLY reopening. Cayuga’s Watchers will also start roaming around Collegetown, keeping an eye on the goings on. We can’t decide if this will be HEROIC or VILLAINOUS, but it sure is creepy.
All this activity in Collegetown will probably lead to a lot of business for the HEROIC new tattoo shop. We can’t wait to see how many people have YOLO tattooed on their wrist by year’s end.
Speaking of living only once, a bunch of HEROIC student activists worked to organize a “Don’t Frack New York” rally against VILLAINOUS hydrofracking. These movers and shakers were able to collect 3,000 signatures in three weeks to send to Cuomo to petition against fracking in New York. But what side of HEROES and VILLAINS will Cuomo come out on?
Yet another student was HEROIC this week. A descendant of Ezra Cornell saved an injured woman after a dangerous gorge jump. The gorges can sometimes pose a VILLAINOUS threat, good thing we have to take that HEROIC swimming test.
Maybe after news of all these HEROIC students, Vinny and Biebs will finally change their minds.