I didn’t start writing for The Sun for the money, fame and women. We don’t get paid, and because my readership is limited exclusively to my friends, the gaggle of girls that should be following me around campus admiring my lovely mug in the paper every other Thursday is surprisingly absent. That combined with the fact that finals are looming and Winter Slope Day is tomorrow, my creativity levels are approaching an all time low.
So when I sat down this week to try and write my column I tried to think of something profoundly important to write (like John Stamos, cat videos, burning couches, etc.), I managed to come up with nothing. My friend Will Spencer ’12, though, used to write for The Sun and I remember he had a column that was literally just bullet pointed thoughts. Apparently he got the idea from a columnist before him, Corey Brezak ’11. Because my style of writing is much better suited to highly refined mediums (read: Twitter) and I am drained creatively, I am going to borrow (read: steal) this idea for a column from both of these esteemed former columnists and try to crank out a final 800 words before the semester ends.
— Recently I have been asking myself, “Why do girls always go to the bathroom in pairs?” Initially I had no idea. Men don’t go to the bathroom in pairs. We come back safely almost every time. Using the bathroom doesn’t seem like a situation where the buddy system is necessary. But then I started thinking a little more outside the box and realized there must be a seesaw in the girls’ bathroom. A seesaw is no fun by yourself, so if you’re headed to the girls’ bathroom you will definitely need a buddy.
— The suspension bridge is closed which means that the only types of bridges left open on campus are beam bridges, arch bridges and cantilever bridges which are all a little less impressive in terms of engineering. If it bums you out that you can’t marvel at the more impressive bridge, then you and I should hang out.
— I noticed that people generally like attention on Facebook. I also noticed that Fantasy Basketball and Baseball are pretty poor substitutes for Fantasy Football during the eight months a year the NFL isn’t playing. This leads me to a job prospect for anyone who can write computer code: Fantasy Facebook. You and your league will “draft” mutual friends and not tell them. You will then get points for “likes” on a picture, friend requests, wall posts and so on. Have your Facebook friends perform better than your friend’s Facebook friends during a given week and you will walk away from that match up with the win. I can’t offer any financial compensation, but I can talk to you about dinosaurs for a really long time.
— I recently learned that deer hunting is legal on campus. This is a pretty complicated issue in my eyes. On one hand, I saw Bambi, and it was pretty devastating when Bambi’s mother got killed during the opening scene of the film. I don’t want to have to see Bambi’s mom getting taken down on a daily basis on the arts quad. Cornell students also have trouble handling any kind of weaponry. If you are skeptical about this just see my most recent column and learn about the time I was assaulted with a ball of socks from a game I wasn’t even playing. I don’t want to know what would happen if the Humans vs. Zombies game had crossbows and deer thrown in.
On the other hand though, I do like the idea of a bunch of Cornell students running around campus dressed like Christopher Walken from the movie Deer Hunter. Or Christopher Walken from Hairspray.
— If you look at the entrance to Goldwin Smith hall, there is a small sticker on the window that says “No rollerblading.” There’s nothing too remarkable about this except for the fact that at one point in time rollerblading in Goldwin Smith was enough of a problem for administrative staff to find it necessary to put up a sticker outlawing it. If any seniors or super seniors have any information about this, please let me know. I am eager to learn more about the days when Cornell was rampant with super gnarly rollerbladers.
— I think the perfect crime is wiping boogers on cats. If you find yourself without a tissue just know that cats lick themselves clean, so it is basically like recycling.
— Today you broke your personal record for most consecutive days being alive. Congratulations! Go for it again tomorrow.
Christo Eliot is a sophomore in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at email@example.com. The Tale of the Dingo at Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.