As we, college seniors, begin the process of alternately facing and cowering from the world after Cornell, the one question looming over me more than others is this: Do we have responsibilities to that world?

If there are other Americans who would accuse Cornell and its students of elitism and privilege, then questions of obligation become increasingly important. In large part, this is because most Americans need a lot of things that we as future leaders can provide. Yet, what we need to change, I think, is the way we talk about these needs.

J: Yo, whattup bitches? It’s your two favorite (by default) Cornell sex columnists (from this year).

J: We like to aim for the stars.

J: So, I’m sitting here in my boxers waiting for Jess to touch it.

J: I’m not going to touch it.

J: C’mon, you can type with one hand!

J: I thought you hated hand jobs.

J: This is true. I do, however, like hand jobs from girls with tiny hands so it looks Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Kids-disproportionately-huge.

Historical precedent has been getting a lot of play in the news lately. Whether they’re discussing financial collapse or imperialist expansion, decaying morals or civil rights, pundits love to center on a few, oft-cited examples: the Great Depression, Vietnam, Hitler. By mixing historical anecdote into their analysis, the talking (and twittering) heads try to add a touch of gravity and validity to their arguments.

To what extent do we know how to know?

In response to the global economic crisis, people have been debating what went wrong and how we can prevent a future collapse. There are those who advocate the full-fledged transformation of our financial institutions — stricter regulations and an end to sky-high bonuses that promote risk-taking behavior. Others suggest a change in societal values — curtailing the off-the-charts consumption and insatiable greed that permeated the subprime era.

I often daydream about beating up my enemies. Usually in these daydreams, I’m wearing an awesome Wonder Woman costume.

I approach said naysayers and say, “Naysayers?”

“Yes, Julie?” Except instead of Julie they use a word that starts with B and ends in -itch.

“Hiyaaaaaaaaa!” (Those are my mad ninja sounds.) “Prepare to get an ass whooping!”

And then I whoop their respective asses.

Correction Appended

Students at Northwestern’s school of journalism are doing more than learning to write ledes, conduct interviews and blog. Instead, they have worked toward and succeeded at exonerating innocent inmates who have been wrongfully accused. But now, the group of students who take part in the Medill Innocence Project are being threatened by a demand by local prosecution to hand over information surrounding a current investigation.

It has been made clear by Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy ’73 that program houses are not going anywhere in the near future. With that in mind, it is time to turn the discussion away from a debate about whether or not the program houses should exist, and refocus on how to better represent and integrate program houses into the community at large.

One of my Facebook friends posted a status that was all, “Why can’t The Sun publish educated opinions?” So, here goes nothing: David Foster Wallace is the poor man’s Thomas Pynchon ’59. Pynchon is the pretentious man’s Vonnegut ’44. Bam. Moving on.

Last weekend, my friend (who has recently found the man of his dreams) expressed his concern over my own lack of significant other. Heretofore, I’ve remained relatively indifferent on the subject. But then he told me that boyfriends buy you things. Suffice it to say, I’m down.

Health care is big money. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that health care represents America’s largest industry, providing roughly 14 million jobs. The Bureau goes on to mention that seven of the 20 fastest growing occupations are health related. Here at Cornell, medical research is a huge deal, producing shiny new buildings like Weill Hall, and attracting top professors from around the country. And our top students have always been lured towards medicine as an attractive, stable, intellectually stimulating career option.

But question: Jobs and investments aside, is this approach to medicine effective? Does it produce a healthy, productive society in the most efficient way possible?

Pop quiz: What do Glenn Beck and Bill Maher have in common? If you answered with, “They’re both blowhards” ... well, sure. But for the purposes of the present conversation, let’s take a look at these two from another angle. What other similarities might they bear? Well, for starters, they both host news-centered cable television programs. More to the point, they’re both famous for their “colorful” approaches to political commentary. And, most recently, they’ve both urged Americans to reject the new swine flu vaccine.