In wake of the all-encompassing budget cuts, the athletics department has considered the previously unconsiderable: changing Cornell’s mascot. Or more precisely, changing its size.

“All our mascots, symbols and everything else will retain the same shapes and colors,” said a senior official in the athletics department, who wished to remain anonymous since the downsizing plan is still technically tentative, “they’ll just be a little bit smaller. That way, we can save on ink, bear costumes, paint — whatever the medium, we’ll save money by becoming the Medium Red.”

Doubters of the plan have noted that Medium Red is not exactly an awe-inspiring mascot.

“It’s not like ‘Big Red’ struck fear into anyone’s hearts

See DOWNSIZE pg .5

The contents of this story are completely fabricated and are not intended to be taken seriously. This piece was featured in The Sun's 2009 Halloween issue.