Anyone who’s seen the absolutely fabulous pink breast cancer awareness sweaters the men’s ice hockey team sports annually was chagrined yesterday to hear that the team will no longer be able to have their cute and fluffy outerwear dry cleaned in Canada, and will instead have to settle for the sub-par standards here stateside.

“It is an absolute outrage,” said a well-respected upperclassmen on the Red. “Everybody knows that Canadian drycleaners are far better than American ones. They have this amazing process where they add essence of Maple syrup right at the last dry cycle. Everything comes out smelling just like momma’s flapjacks.”

Outrage, indeed.

Frustrated protesters gathered outside Teagle Hall Issue Room yesterday afternoon, chanting slogans such as “I, 2, 3, 4, America’s dry cleaning really sucks!” Flustered Issue Room employees could only point to the laminated sign posted next to their door. “We have absolutely no control over this issue!” one identified employee was heard shouting over the general hubbub.

So who does have control? Of course those evil words “budget cuts” were on many a conspirator’s lips outside Teagle. However, a clandestine investigation spearheaded by the Sports department, along with minimal collaboration from Arts and Design departments, has uncovered some rather unsettling truths. It seems that these sweaters, supposedly “to raise awareness for cancer” are really…

See SWEATERS pg 3.14

The contents of this story are completely fabricated and are not intended to be taken seriously. This piece was featured in The Sun's 2009 Halloween issue.