Favorite Furry Friend: Cats or Dogs?

So it’s come to this. I’m defending dog shit.

First of all, let me get one thing straight: I’m just not a pet person. I don’t hate pets and I don’t hate your pet — I’m sure he’s lovely — but at this point in my life, I see no need for four-legged, furry companionship, and at this point in my life I know I’m not at all qualified to care for living things. I’ve had houseplants commit suicide on me.

But given the choice between a cat and a dog, I have to pick man’s best friend because, I believe, caring for dogs (specifically, cleaning up after them) brings out our truest natures. Cats, while soothing, are little more than ottomans who vomit.