The greatest health risk to us Cornellian’s is no longer over exhaustion from studying or extreme inebriation from Slope Day, but rather the Swine Flu which has led the World Health Organization to raise its global alert level and is sending the world into a panic. Mexico has shut down schools and museums, American health officials have declared a public health emergency and on Monday investors jumped heavily into drug stocks. So what is the swine flu? Is the country at risk of demise? What can we do here at Cornell to protect ourselves and survive?

To be frank, we’re surprised we made it to Slope Day,

But now that it’s here we’ve got much to say.

This semester’s been quite the wild ride,

As we embark on a hiatus, we step out with pride.

Budget cuts have been an ominous dark cloud,

Colleges’ funding were limited, from contract to endowed.

We watched as the Physical Sciences Library got the ax,

But what about the Lab of Ornithology? We had to ask.

As the billion dollar endowment continued to shrink,

The trustees sold $250 million in bonds, with just a nod and a wink.

Staff and faculty fret over the thought of their job security,

Questions loomed over Milstein Hall, its funding clouded in obscurity.

With the first direct election of Pres and Vice of the S.A.,

Happy Slope Day Cornellians! I hope at least a few of you are still sober enough to read the Sun. And I hope that the actual sun is shining. Today is a more than usually auspicious day for my usually oh-so-humble column.

Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. The reasons are twofold. First, today, as you may know, is Slope Day. It is a day about music. Sort of. And admittedly less so this year than usual. (Though T.I.’s fake gunshots may have been pushing it as well.)

Dig bright, catchy, Beatles-esque lyrics? Groove out to ELO’s symphonic prog rock? How’s a virtually private show sound? Right, so get to the Slope early.

Long before the Pussycat Dolls showcase their ample assets and Asher Roth confesses his inclination towards America’s university system, the Apples in Stereo, ripe with tight, riveting, relevant tunes, will rock the Slope’s punctual arrivals with a premium blend of neo-classic rock and power pop. The American rockers, veterans of six LPs, notched a spot on Rolling Stone’s Top 50 of 2007 with New Magnetic Wonder, a 14 track album linked seamlessly by 10 musical segues.

As everyone is surely aware, the Cornell community will be celebrating Slope Day this Friday. The Slope Day Programming Board would like to wish all of you a fun and safe Slope Day and leave you with some advice:

When we come to Cornell we hear a great deal of lore,

Of courses, of parties and oh so much more.

Among all of these stories, one stands alone,

That one is Slope Day, king on a throne.

As all of our classes come to close,

Our collective love for this school most surely grows.

It’s all about hanging out with your pals,

All of the coolest Cornell guys and gals.

There’s no other day where we all get together,

Frolicking happily like birds of a feather.

So get to the Slope where fun will be had,

Really, we’re telling you, it’s totally rad.

Over the last month and half, we’ve been drinking a lot, but it hasn’t been happy drinking. It’s been filled with stress, fretting over the lack of jobs and internships, and mourning the downfall of our University’s once-robust budget. But, alas! Slope Day is near — the one day where we can drink, dance and sing along to shitty music without a care in the world. We may not have our papers done. We may not have jobs. We may not have language classes, but at least we have alcohol and Asher Roth. Without further ado, Berry Patch presents the top four people we’d like to drink with on Slope Day ...

Mary Beth Grant

Judicial Administrator

There will be two kinds of crazy on display at Slope Day. The headlining act, absurd though it may be, follows a much-trammeled (and much-bemoaned) storyline: Girl is Hot, Girl Gets More Girls, Girls Gets Record Deal. And then there’s Asher Roth.

It’s become pretty in vogue these days to rant about the cornucopia of failures and shortcomings of the American capitalist system of the late ’90s that has led us to the circumstances in which we now find ourselves. Rejoice though, right-wingers and twelve year-old girls, because in this time of economic disparity, our peers on the Slope Day Programming Board have decided to illuminate, in all its scantily clad glory, the wonders of capitalism: the Pussycat Dolls are coming to Cornell.

The Apples in Stereo — an indie-rock band associated with other bands that also emerged in the early ’90s, like the Neutral Milk Hotel and others in the Elephant 6 collective — will be the first to open the show at this year’s Slope Day, according to Mandy Hjellming ’09, chair of the Slope Day Planning Board. The Apples in Stereo will be accompanying Asher Roth and the Pussycat Dolls on the Slope on Friday, May 1.

Hailing from Denver, Colorado, Apples in Stereo plays melodic low-fi pop-rock music with psychedelic undertones, often garnering comparisons to the sounds of the 1960s. Singer and songwriter Robert Schneider remains the only original member in the group, one that has spanned many sounds and genres throughout its decade-long career.

“I Hate this Part”

I’ve heard a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ about students’ displeasure with the choice to have The Pussycat Dolls as our main act for Slope Day. To all you haters, I say: shut it. If there were a mandatory course for complaining and griping at Cornell, I am quite sure it would have a higher mean grade than any COMM course (that’s saying a lot). Slope Day acts cannot please everyone, which only gives the upset more incentive to get blackout drunk, have the time of their lives and then not remember it the next day — just like everyone else. Win–win.

“Loosen Up my Buttons”