No, I’m not writing this because I’m going through some major all-consuming breakup. It’s just that after years of writing columns about dating and relationships, I’ve realized something. Despite all of my dating and relationship experience, and all that I have learned from it, I really don’t know all that much. I still find myself surprised and confronted by new problems and experiences all the time. And, as long as I’m being honest, the relationships I see on The Hills still seem kind of realistic to me, so I know I’ve definitely got some more learning to do on the relationship front. However, while I have yet to uncover the key to romantic bliss, my experience hasn’t been a total waste.

Sometime in his illustrious and controversial career studying human sexuality, Alfred Kinsey said, “The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform.”

“Baby girl / what’s your name? / Let me talk to you / let me buy you a drink / I’m T-Pain / You know me / konvict music nappy boy like oh wee / I know the club close at three / what’s the chance of you rolling with me? / back to the crib / show you how I live / let’s get drunk forget what we did.”

Oh, you’re not interested? Oh. Ok ... well, um, check out my column!

Recently, Pope Benedict XVI made headlines by saying that condoms are an inappropriate and counter-productive solution to HIV/AIDS. Some have expanded on the implications of the Pope’s comments and have considered Church teaching on contraception in light of overpopulation. However, many understand what the Catholic Church says regarding contraception, but few understand why it says it. As such, I now offer this information, assuming that overpopulation is a problem. It is my hope that, whatever moral view you ultimately take, you at least understand the Catholic position, and do not come to a decision without considering all of the ideas here presented.

This Spring Break I went to my first strip club. It’s a trip that’s been a long time coming. I turned 18 and rather than looking forward to being able to buy a pack of smokes (I didn’t smoke) or get a lottery ticket (who cares) or buy porn (do people still do that?), I looked forward to going to a strip club. But it didn’t happen. So they’ve been shrouded in mystery to me for a while.

To the Editor:

Re: “Overpopeulation: The Church’s Condom Code and Demographic Disaster,” Opinion, March 25

As a sometimes practical Catholic, I find the article a bit disconcerting. He starts by making a claim that the earth cannot sustain a population of more than two billion, which I find somewhat shaky, and then goes on to imply if the Roman Church were to endorse condom use, this problem would be solved, ignoring the fact that the area of the world with the fastest population growth is Asia, an area of the world decidedly lacking in Roman Catholics.

You know them. You’ve seen them, talked to them, had the darkest corners of your lonely existence interrupted by the intrusive glare of their emanating love rays. You pass them in Ho Plaza, praying that their heavy-handed PDA is only the first staged scene of a sexual health demonstration. Their first language is couple talk, but they’re also fluent in condescension. They have little-to-no sarcasm perception, which turns out to be quite handy.

They are the human manifestation of Valentines Day, and you can’t help but hate them.

In the ultimate conflation of the virgin-whore dichotomy, a 22-year-old Sacramento State grad named Natalie Dylan has put her virginity up for auction. The transaction is taking place through a legal brothel in Nevada, which advertises Dylan’s virginity as a “priceless and rare commodity.” And by “priceless” they actually just mean expensive — the highest bid is reported at $3.8 million. Dylan was first publicized on the Howard Stern Show, and the story has since been picked up by CNN and other major news outlets.

I’d like to preface this article with a potential trigger warning. If possibly humiliating sex acts upset or disturb you, turn the page.

If you’ve ever watched porn (you devil, you!), you’ve seen it. It starts with a tight shot on a usually enormous penis and a man or woman with a snake-like ability to unhinge their jaw. It ends with a bout of serious thrusting. Then the blowjob-ee­­ pulls his dick out of the mouth and blows a big old load right onto the blowjob-er’s face. And there you have it: the cumshot. The pop shot. The money shot. The facial.