Last week, presidential candidate John McCain choked on a big fat Viagra pill. From the comfort of my own home, I watched in horror as the dear old geezer coughed and stuttered, his cheeks flushed and his doe eyes brimming with confusion and panic.

They say the greatest sign of insanity is when you repeat an action over and over, expecting different outcomes. Once again, (this time during the second presidential debate), McCain was asked to account for his tacit approval of health insurance companies who cover Viagra for men but not birth control for women.

He’s made the mistake before. But maybe he figured that blabbering like an idiot … again … when asked the question would make the big bad journalists go away for good.

MAVERICK. MAVERICK.

I started thinking a few weeks ago about the idea of sin. Fitting, considering that on the holiday of Yom Kippur, Jews apologize for sins committed by our individual selves and on behalf of the larger Jewish community.

Today is Love Your Body Day, another holiday. LYBD is sponsored by National Organization of Women and celebrated across the nation. On its website, NOW writes:

“Women and girls spend billions of dollars every year on cosmetics, fashion, magazines and diet aids. These industries can’t use negative images to sell their products without our assistance.

Together, we can fight back.”

Even as a little kid, I always knew I was different from everyone else. While most children played with blocks and video games, I would spend hours chasing my dog in the backyard on all fours. My first word was “woof,” and I wasn’t house broken until I was five years old. To this day, old issues of The Sun line the floor of my room. Most disconcerting to my parents, however, was that I had the unhygienic habit of cleaning myself with my tongue and then greeting their business associates with licks on their faces.

Take a deep breath and prepare for this.

ANAL SEX.

There. I said it. People have it. For a sizeable chunk of the population, it’s the preferred method of doin’ the dirty. And if you didn’t know yet, plenty of straight folks are enjoying the devilish act of sodomizing their lovers in ever-increasing amounts. So now, please, as a community, can we get over it and move on?

… No? Oh, all right.

But if we’re gonna talk about butt-lovin’, we have to at least mention the “eeew!” factor and HOW RIDICULOUS IT IS THAT THERE IS STILL AN EW FACTOR.

It’s 11:00 on a Tuesday night. Ensconced in the velour of my most comfortable robe, I lounge about my sofa, soothed by Burt Bacharach’s mellow tenor. Scented candles bathe my room in muted light and aromas of French vanilla. My roommate is at his girlfriend’s, and I have the place all to myself. The mood is perfect for my date with myself.

The New York State Department of Health announced that in accordance with Gov. Elliot Spitzer’s (D) health care plan, New York will be refusing Title V federal funding for abstinence-only sexual education. The statement, released on Sept. 20, explained that the Department of Health would instead be directing their funding and teaching efforts toward comprehensive sexual education.

Joanne Smith, president and CEO of Family Planning Advocates of New York State, applauded Spitzer’s decision.

“[Spitzer and Dr. Richard F. Daines, commissioner of the Department of Health] told me that this was not a hard decision,” Smith said. “The medical facts showed this was necessary.”

It is an honor bestowed upon few. It comes easily to some, and yet, some can never attain it over an entire lifetime. Yes, I am talking about the female orgasm.

I’m not the ugliest guy, nor am I the least modest, but due to whatever the circumstances — my lovely blue eyes, my razor sharp wit or my charming smile — I have been blessed with the opportunity to sleep with girls. Many, many girls. I’m not going to give you my laundry list or show you my bedpost (which is notched like a saw), but it’s probably more than you think for a skinny Jewish kid from Long Island. I’m not terribly proud of it, it just happened. The problem is that girls don’t want to know that ranking them in your Top 10 is actually quite a prestigious honor and bragging about prior conquests hasn’t gotten anyone wet since Napoleon with Josephine.

In seventh grade, a good friend of mine was out at the typical middle school date hot spot: the movie theater. She had arrived 20 minutes early so as not to miss the previews, and things were getting hot and heavy with the guy of her pubescent dreams. However, “hot and heavy” means a very different thing when you are about to be bar mitzvahed than when you are about to bang like the bells on the top of the clock tower. She was giving this guy a hand job. Jacking him off, if you will.