It’s four in the morning. I’m beyond drunk and the girl in my bed is sound asleep. Sounds like the perfect start to a sex column — so here come some words of wisdom straight from the horse’s mouth, or maybe the horse’s ass, but probably the ass’s mouth.

Ladies, if a guy ever comes up to you and starts doing magic tricks, resist being impressed. It will be a struggle, but if you can overcome your hard wired instincts to get aroused by the “guess which number I’m thinking” game, you will have struck a victory for women’s empowerment.

If after reading that, you suddenly feel attracted to me, don’t worry. I just ran game on you.