Frail, pristine Caitlin Richter, who probably still carries My Little Ponies in her Paul Frank lunchbox, maintained her post as the sole object of my concentrated pre-pubescent scorn until one fateful day in first grade music class. She was whispering so softly into her recorder that she could’ve been inhaling, while I was pounding a triangle against a snare drum with all the aggression of an overworked nanny pushed too far. Suddenly, my classmates stopped playing their instruments and watched in awe as a puddle grew from under her jellies to the edges of my light-ups. Then, with yogi-like tranquility, Caitlin Richter pulled off the type of scapegoat evasion that would inspire the likes of Spitzer:

“It’s too hot in here.”

When Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, addressed Congress last month, he surprisingly flattered America a great deal: “America’s faith in the future has been, is, and always will be, an inspiration to me, and to the whole world.” He referred to Washington D.C. as “a shining city upon the hill lighting up the whole of the world” and President Obama as offering “the whole world renewed hope in itself.”

“I want to thank you on behalf of the British people …” He goes on like this for 15 minutes.

Today marks the deadline to apply for the Staff Retirement Incentive program. Engineered and implemented earlier this month, the program was a “one-time-only” opportunity for staff to apply to retire early, in an effort to help alleviate excess financial strain on the University.

We saw the incentive plan as an appropriate gesture. Predicting massive layoffs, the University gave staff the chance to reconsider retiring amidst the financial turmoil in exchange for an “enhanced contribution” to the employee’s retirement fund in addition to a lump-sum payment.

Even in the midst of the current economic crisis, few students wandered in and out of Willard Straight Hall’s Memorial Room where CampusLife hosted a job fair yesterday for on-campus employment opportunities for the current spring, summer and fall semesters. Representatives from several different departments, such as information systems and Cornell dining, waited for employment-seeking students behind tables with information, applications, business cards, free pens and cookies.

When asked if the economy has affected on-campus jobs, Melanie Ciotoli, CampusLife human resources manager, said that “there has not necessarily been a cut back on employment positions” overall and continued by saying that each department seeks different needs at different times.

Mustachioed Iraq War cheerleader and capitalism-at-all-costs New York Times columnist Thomas L. Friedman’s latest op-ed, entitled “Are We Home Alone?” calls on government officials to act “larger than the moment,” to provide its ailing, apparently infantile country with “inspirational leadership.” The millionaire hack laments classically lamentable American mainstays like partisanship and politics as usual and the public’s distaste for the nightly news. He talks about the need to stop vilifying public figures and italicizes the words our country in a way that connotes those suicide-inducing “This is ouurrr country!” Chevy commercials. This guy even wants the Big O to deliver a fireside chat, F. Delano-style, to bolster the ol’ national spirit.

About five months ago, I was invited to Manhattan for a recruitment weekend at a well-respected New York City hedge fund. Sadly, I had no idea what a hedge fund actually does, so I turned to Wikipedia.

Wikipedia told me that hedge funds are investment funds that “hedge” against market fluctuation by engaging in a variety of fiduciary tactics, most notably short-selling. Short-selling, it seems, is a technique whereby investors borrow stock from a lender and sell it on the open market, with the expectation that the stock price will go down. Short-sellers can then repurchase the stock for the lower price, return it to the lender and pocket the difference.

When I think of Spring Break, suntans, piña coladas and MTV pop into my mind. However, this year was a little bit different, and not because Mexico is swarming with kidnappers and armed drug-dealers. I spent my spring break at home in Orange County, California — a place that used to look a lot like Spring Break year round, or that was the perception anyway. Unfortunately, the OC has not one, but several “reality” TV shows that seek to expose the so-called fabulous, carefree lives spent day in and day out in the surf and the sun. When I came home last week though, something felt different.