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We're the Nottest
August 27, 2008 - 12:00amRemember when we were the hottest? When someone decided that our emphasis on problem solving and scholarly debate warranted not only the title of Hottest Ivy but a whole four-sentence write-up in Newsweek? When our mommies and daddies, eyes bloodshot, faces burnt red on a week long pride-high, shuffled down to the Cornell Store to shell out four bucks for a crappy “We’re the hottest.” pin?
A year later? Not so hot.
Look at us now — quivering in the darkest corner of a concrete basement, our confidence shattered by a trio of gauntlets dropped by a trio of magazines, whimpering embarrassed when asked what college we go to: “Cornell.”
Ice cold.
Yazzed Up and Ready to Go: What prescription drug ads mean to me
April 21, 2008 - 12:00amI don’t take a birth control pill, and this is increasingly becoming an issue. It doesn’t seem fair that young, sinful girls get to have so much fun in the name of child prevention while dudes like me have to convince ourselves that putting latex between us and ultimate sexual pleasure is a small price to pay for the assurance that Tony Jr. won’t be slithering out of mommy anytime soon.
Untamed Tigers: How Memphis gets away with winning
April 7, 2008 - 12:00amSAN ANTONIO — After witnessing the University of Memphis basketball team dismantle my beloved UCLA Bruins Saturday night in San Antonio the Tigers seem the odds-on favorite to win tonight’s National Championship game against Kansas University.
As they should be.
Phenom Memphis guard Derrick Rose made his UCLA counterpart look like a fumbling middle-schooler barely able to dribble the ball down the court without it flying off his foot. Veteran Memphis big men Joey Dorsey, Robert Dozier and Shawn Taggart denied UCLA freshman standout Kevin Love the ball so often that the doughy Bruin center look malnourished as he reluctantly waddled off the court and into the locker room.
As he should have.
This Is Our Country?!
March 24, 2008 - 12:00amAs if we needed more proof of my nerdhood, consider my Monday of Spring Break. While thousands of college kids spent their afternoons laying on a beach in Acapulco, sucking down accessorized drinks, vigorously trying to bronze their pasty winter skins, I wandered around a museum that’s main attraction is a room consisting of 48 actual-size bronze statues of the Founding Fathers.
There Goes My Gun
March 3, 2008 - 1:00amUsually I don’t bother with comic books due to an overriding suspicion that everyone associated with comic books is a gigantic nerd, but now that Captain America packs heat I have to delve into the gag-inducing world of tighty-whiteys and moldy retainers to stand against guns. The new Captain America — who made his debut in January after the old Captain got a cap busted in his fictional ass — assumes the position of superhero with some added help. Now instead of fighting for good with all-American muscle, a flimsy shield and a sex-slave mask, Captain American is rollin’ hot with a cool 9 mm.
Congress Throws U.S. a Screw(you)ball
February 18, 2008 - 1:00amIf you want to gauge the seriousness of this country just take a look at Congress. With over 100,000 of our kids getting their asses shot off in a sandbox we know nothing about, our economy mimicking the final wheezes of a dying man, our dollar becoming the monetary equivalent of the Walkman and a depressingly long list of other issues facing our country, our Congress chooses to occupy itself with sports.
Dispatch From the Edge of the World
February 4, 2008 - 1:00amBy the time we trudge through an ungodly amount of traffic everyone has to pee but we’re forced to again wait behind a band of drunk, middle-aged perverts at the bank of port-o-pottys and once I finally enter the rancid temporary waste depository I’m surprised by the utter darkness and I can hear the faceless drunken wailings around me and I realize that it’s only 4:30 on a Friday morning and I wonder why I’ve placed myself in this all too real wasteland. The event is Wing Bowl — an annual chicken wing-eating competition held in the largest indoor arena in Philadelphia by the largest sports radio station in one of the most sports-crazy cities in America.
The Coolness of Anderson Cooper, the Genius of Zac Efron
January 21, 2008 - 1:00amI’m sitting in Libe Café on a gray Saturday afternoon, shifting my eyes anxiously, making sure the people around me don’t peak over at my computer screen to see me previewing songs on Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens’ iTunes Celebrity Playlist. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but 40 percent of the High School Musical stars’ playlist is comprised of Hoobastank and MC Hammer … so there’s that.