The Absurdity Exhibition

Woke Up Nov. 5, Got Yourself A Gun

Tony Manfred — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I’ve never understood the victim-complex gun owners inflict on themselves. Politicians of both parties pander to them shamelessly, assuring them in the condescending tone of a mother to her toddler that the big bad government would never take away their guns. We celebrate hunting as a fundamental American tradition on par with setting off 4th of July fireworks or mumbling the Pledge of Allegiance everyday before class. It’s as if shooting, skinning and bloodletting an animal for sport and going out in the backyard to throw the old baseball around with dad are qualitatively equivalent. There are over 200 million guns in this country. Gun ownership is roundly accepted.

The View From Crawford, Tex.

Tony Manfred — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0500

The soon to be former president, reduced to a punch line, an abstraction McCain ducked and Obama abused, slithers back to Crawford in tatters this January. Lost in the dust storm of Obama and his many millions of supporters stampeding toward Washington to reclaim a country they once loved is the departure of the bumbling Texan, our president, George W. Bush.

Finally, the end. Away with the destroyer of freedom and humility and the virtuous America. Be gone, creator of chaos and starvation and shame. The day is here at long last. The king is dead! Rejoice!

Something About How MTV Sucks

Tony Manfred — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0400

As someone who owns pretty much everything Radiohead has ever recorded and reads a lot of David Foster Wallace and owns an unnecessary number of plain black t-shirts I feel obligated to roll my eyes at MTV with that same hipster condescension that makes the disinterested smokers outside Rand Hall so insufferable. This column should be 900 words of such eye rolling at the cable giant. The words “shallow,” “superficial,” and “lacking substance” should figure prominently. There should be a significant amount of whining. A healthy helping of nostalgia for the good ol’ days when the network was anti-establishment and cutting-edge and all those attractive little fictions associated with the golden age of MTV.

A Meditation on Being a Loser

Tony Manfred — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0400

It’s sad, almost disgraceful. The Philadelphia Phillies are a massive commercial product carefully constructed by a collective of cheerless millionaires. They are sanded and polished to appeal to sheepish consumers like me who will pay top dollar to feel a part of something. Everything from of the shape of the P on their hats to the volume with which the neon Liberty Bell sitting atop their home park rings out after a homerun disappears into the mash of elated loyalists has been researched and focused-grouped to align with my economic predispositions. But as Chase Utley walks to the plate — his smooth strut stiffened by a hip injury he refuses to acknowledge — my position is not that of the consumer but of an active participant.

Pathological gamblers manage our money, what did you expect?

Tony Manfred — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0400

Like the vast majority of Americans I have no idea why the economy crumbles before our eyes. It has something to do with bundling mortgages though. Something to do with “securitization” and risky loans and “collateralized debt obligations” and stuff. Apparently cheap foreign capital looking for yields was involved.

If I had any clue what these explanations meant I’m sure they’d be incredibly useful. But to America and me an I-banker sounds like one of the dozen useless applications that cause my MacBook Pro to cost two grand. I thought the Lehman Brothers made a series of pornos featuring busty blonde twins. I wouldn’t know who Hank Paulson was if he walked into my dorm room dressed as the Monopoly Man holding a sign that said, “I’m Hank Paulson.”

The Red, White and Blue Disguise

Tony Manfred — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0400

“Sarah Palin: Babe-raham Lincoln,” says a t-shirt featuring a dated beauty shot of the Alaskan Governor. Alas the phrase of Wayne’s World fame seems to have some application due to the thunderous arrival of former pageant queen and current Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

For those of you unfamiliar with Palin, she’s the down-home Jesus freak, corrupt Governor of Alaska who gives her kids dog names and thinks global warming isn’t man-made and believes the Iraq War is a “task from God” and could very well be running your country in the coming months.

But the shirt says she’s Abe Lincoln with boobs.

We're the Nottest

Tony Manfred — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0400

Remember when we were the hottest? When someone decided that our emphasis on problem solving and scholarly debate warranted not only the title of Hottest Ivy but a whole four-sentence write-up in Newsweek? When our mommies and daddies, eyes bloodshot, faces burnt red on a week long pride-high, shuffled down to the Cornell Store to shell out four bucks for a crappy “We’re the hottest.” pin?

A year later? Not so hot.

Look at us now — quivering in the darkest corner of a concrete basement, our confidence shattered by a trio of gauntlets dropped by a trio of magazines, whimpering embarrassed when asked what college we go to: “Cornell.”

Ice cold.

Yazzed Up and Ready to Go: What prescription drug ads mean to me

Tony Manfred — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400

I don’t take a birth control pill, and this is increasingly becoming an issue. It doesn’t seem fair that young, sinful girls get to have so much fun in the name of child prevention while dudes like me have to convince ourselves that putting latex between us and ultimate sexual pleasure is a small price to pay for the assurance that Tony Jr. won’t be slithering out of mommy anytime soon.

Untamed Tigers: How Memphis gets away with winning

Tony Manfred — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400

SAN ANTONIO — After witnessing the University of Memphis basketball team dismantle my beloved UCLA Bruins Saturday night in San Antonio the Tigers seem the odds-on favorite to win tonight’s National Championship game against Kansas University.

As they should be.

Phenom Memphis guard Derrick Rose made his UCLA counterpart look like a fumbling middle-schooler barely able to dribble the ball down the court without it flying off his foot. Veteran Memphis big men Joey Dorsey, Robert Dozier and Shawn Taggart denied UCLA freshman standout Kevin Love the ball so often that the doughy Bruin center look malnourished as he reluctantly waddled off the court and into the locker room.

As he should have.

This Is Our Country?!

Tony Manfred — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0400

As if we needed more proof of my nerdhood, consider my Monday of Spring Break. While thousands of college kids spent their afternoons laying on a beach in Acapulco, sucking down accessorized drinks, vigorously trying to bronze their pasty winter skins, I wandered around a museum that’s main attraction is a room consisting of 48 actual-size bronze statues of the Founding Fathers.

There Goes My Gun

Tony Manfred — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0500

Usually I don’t bother with comic books due to an overriding suspicion that everyone associated with comic books is a gigantic nerd, but now that Captain America packs heat I have to delve into the gag-inducing world of tighty-whiteys and moldy retainers to stand against guns. The new Captain America — who made his debut in January after the old Captain got a cap busted in his fictional ass — assumes the position of superhero with some added help. Now instead of fighting for good with all-American muscle, a flimsy shield and a sex-slave mask, Captain American is rollin’ hot with a cool 9 mm.

Congress Throws U.S. a Screw(you)ball

Tony Manfred — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0500

If you want to gauge the seriousness of this country just take a look at Congress. With over 100,000 of our kids getting their asses shot off in a sandbox we know nothing about, our economy mimicking the final wheezes of a dying man, our dollar becoming the monetary equivalent of the Walkman and a depressingly long list of other issues facing our country, our Congress chooses to occupy itself with sports.

Dispatch From the Edge of the World

Tony Manfred — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0500

By the time we trudge through an ungodly amount of traffic everyone has to pee but we’re forced to again wait behind a band of drunk, middle-aged perverts at the bank of port-o-pottys and once I finally enter the rancid temporary waste depository I’m surprised by the utter darkness and I can hear the faceless drunken wailings around me and I realize that it’s only 4:30 on a Friday morning and I wonder why I’ve placed myself in this all too real wasteland. The event is Wing Bowl — an annual chicken wing-eating competition held in the largest indoor arena in Philadelphia by the largest sports radio station in one of the most sports-crazy cities in America.

The Coolness of Anderson Cooper, the Genius of Zac Efron

Tony Manfred — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I’m sitting in Libe Café on a gray Saturday afternoon, shifting my eyes anxiously, making sure the people around me don’t peak over at my computer screen to see me previewing songs on Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens’ iTunes Celebrity Playlist. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but 40 percent of the High School Musical stars’ playlist is comprised of Hoobastank and MC Hammer … so there’s that.