Country Club Cockfight

SUNY Cornell

John-David Brown — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0400

I know that you still cry sometimes about that fact that you weren’t good enough for Yale or Harvard, but face it: you don’t go to a real Ivy. The sooner you start taking advantage of your state school benefits, the better.

Claims that Cornell is the worst Ivy — or that it shouldn’t be an Ivy at all — are both valid and deeply seated in reality. According to Radar Magazine (and numerous other sources), we are “overrated” and “anti-intellectual,” have the ugliest girls and boast an oppressive Greek system. In case you don’t know yet, all of these things are true. We also jump into gorges and stab West Campus visitors. But so what? Cornell is a great university — not in spite of these things, but because of them. Except for the stabbing thing.

Sucking the Teat Of High Society

John-David Brown — Thu, 01 May 2008 00:00:00 -0400

This semester I’ve written a lot about my desire to find a hunky wealthy husband who can jumpstart my path to fame and power. So for my last column, I want to give everyone a little advice about some of the things I think we should all try to accomplish this summer to achieve these goals. For those who are graduating, you basically missed your chance — good riddance. But for those who still have a chance to make something of themselves before returning to campus, take good notes.

Faking His Way to The Top: A cautionary tale

John-David Brown — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400

If you haven’t heard, Yale is abuzz with the most outlandish scandal in the Ivy League. Last Tuesday, The Yale Daily News reported that 26-year-old Akash Maharaj was arrested in September on charges of larceny and forgery for allegedly faking his application to Yale and stealing some $46,000 in financial aid. As the story continues to unfold, however, we are learning that there are even more ridiculous pieces of the puzzle. A blogger at IvyGate summarized the situation best, exclaiming “The story has so many twisting elements, it reads like a daytime soap: Gay lovers’ spat! Race-related unrest! Forgery, identity theft, mental instability!

My Sexy Celebrity Boyfriend

John-David Brown — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0400

With the disappointing population of gays (who are actually out) at Cornell, and the dwindling likelihood of me becoming a wealthy Yale Law grad, I have decided to indulge in the prospects of snatching up a guy who is sufficiently famous or extremely wealthy and powerful.

I started to entertain this thought after I took a quiz on the-n.com to find out who my “Presidential Hottie Soulmate” is. Appropriately, this was my answer:

I <3 John McCain

John-David Brown — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I want a president who is bold, principled and easy on the eyes. When you consider the options, one person visibly stands out. The only candidate who offers all of these things and more is the straight talkin’ maverick from Arizona, John Sidney McCain III.

Dakota Fanning: No One's Valentine

John-David Brown — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0500

I might not have a date for Valentine’s Day this year, but I take solace in knowing that there’s going to be at least one other person in the same boat as me: Dakota Fanning. She may have captivated some people in movies like I am Sam and War of the Worlds, but I think that Dakota Fanning is an ugly hack who is, amongst other obvious things, very undateable. While there are millions of reasons why nobody would ask this little jack-o-lantern on a date, I will enlighten you with the major ones.

The Bitch is Back

John-David Brown — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0500

Everybody’s favorite “Queen Bitch in Charge” is Hillary Clinton. Although she is constantly vilified by her enemies and the media, most of us recognize that this is only because people are intimidated by her personal wit, political aptitude and botoxed good looks. You may have accidentally jumped on the buoyant bandwagon of hackneyed catchphrases that her opponent’s campaign has manufactured, but I hope that after reading this you might consider a more reputable and sincerely passionate candidate who can balance being inspiring and fabulous.