September 14, 2000

Viewer Discretion Advised

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In lieu of that Sex column being advertised by the curvy chick with the clock tower where her belly should be, I have decided to adjust the framework of this column to compensate for the lack of sexual advice Daze has promised to give it’s readers for weeks now. I will try to reach deep down into my sexual reservoir and give you, the reader, a glimpse at what sex, and relationships are really about. It’s all about the right DVD.

Guys and girls are different species. They have different understandings about how to drive (guys stay within the lines), they watch different Olympic events (figure skating is an “event” not a “sport”) and they don’t see eye-to-eye about what mutually beneficial DVDs are. The reason girls have such hard times understanding why The Story of Us isn’t a movie that guys can really connect with is because of their inherent differences. Boys and girls are as different as the sound of mosquito (“zzzzzp”) and the sound of a fly (“bzzzzz”). There is hope though. For a relationship to be successful, or end up en coitus, a good movie that both partners can relate to is extremely important. Hopefully you won’t need a DVD with cool featurettes, but just in case, here’s what I can suggest.

– Avoid Fargo.

This was one of the Coen brothers’ offbeat, twisted, folksy-flavored black comedy/whodunits involving a botched kidnapping, bloody wood chip machines and a catchier accent to mimic than the heavy-grunting Scottish of Braveheart. Guys will enjoy this flick, but girls will probably stare blankly at the screen with the “I thought he said we were watching Terms of Endearment”-face on.

– Avoid You’ve Got Mail.

The description on the back of this box says it “Appeals to fans of slow-moving, sentimental dramas featuring strong female characters.” This is the kind of movie that will ruin a marriage. In controlled lab experiments, guys who’ve watched this movie have willingly tried to become certified kindergarten bus drivers and legally change their names to “Ima Brockenhyman.”

– Embrace the movies of Dustin Hoffman.

The Graduate is one of the all-time greatest films, and on DVD, you can watch Dustin get it on with Mrs. Robinson in 16:9 digital perfection. The movie works because it’s a social commentary as well as being an acceptable women-over-50 porn flick with a soundtrack by Simon and Garfunkel. Hoffman is a family man and has also been in some of the most asexual movies ever. He was in Hero, Sphere, Hook, Rain Man, and Tootsie. If you want a film that both guys and girls can watch, Dustin Hoffman is the way to go, as long as you don’t watch Midnight Cowboy. I say this because most girls don’t identify with Ratso Rizzo or Jon Voight giving head for cocaine in a men’s room. (Of course, if you have found a girl who can identify with this you might want to look into doing other things than watching movies.)

– Light hearted comedies without flatulence are made to be watched by both guys and girls.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Forrest Gump, The Breakfast Club, and Risky Business are all acceptable films that will keep females and males laughing.

Sex is a taboo topic that I will ease into. Guys…you can’t plan a night of hot sex around the Die Hard Trilogy. You’re being over-optimistic, and in the throws of passion no girl wants to hear “Yippee Chi-yeah Mother Fucker.” Likewise, girls can’t plan on a romantic night of love if they try to set the scene with The Joy Luck Club. Movies like that will have your man preparing popcorn with unhealthy amounts of butter on it. We’re talking about that popcorn with enough butter to clog your arteries and turn your piss into gelatin after one bag. If you see this kind of popcorn poisoning behavior, it is my advice to induce vomiting (watching Magnolia will aid this), stop watching movies and get busy. You’re obviously not ready for this DVD phase in your relationship.

Archived article by Bradley Werner