November 9, 2000

Dubya and the New Sports Landscape

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Well, it’s a full two days after the general election, and our country still doesn’t have a president-elect. But, due to sophisticated Sun exit polls in Ithaca, it looks like Ralph Nader is going to win the election.

But seriously folks, it appears Bush is on his way to the White House. We all can learn a lesson from this — never doubt the power of Kiwanis.

In retrospect, I wish I had voted; I figured this would be a Bush landslide, but it turned out to be pretty riveting. But I’m a sports writer, and by nature politically apathetic.

Perhaps the outcome would have been different if the national news media had covered the important angle in this whole thing: the sports angle.

Bush, as we all know, was the part-owner of the Texas Rangers during the early nineties. His experience with the team engendered an interest in sports in society. The Sun has obtained a copy of Governor Bush’s Domestic Sporting Plan, and his agenda could have long-ranging impact on the American athletic world.

The most important aspect of Bush’s plan is the reinstitution of Reagan-style sports management. During the Clinton administration, the push towards salary caps and revenue-sharing put many professional teams on the defensive. Under Bush’s plan, all draft picks and revenue will be given to the Lakers, Yankees, New York Rangers, and New York Giants, and will hopefully trickle down to other markets and teams.

Kennebunkport, Maine, will finally get its fair share of professional teams.

Furthermore, Texas-style justice will be imposed on players. Slashing Donald Brashear? Death. Offensive rap albums by NBA players? Death. Excessive celebration in the endzone? Death.

Of course, Steve Howe and Darryl Strawberry will be exempt from this rule; it’s rumored that Bush has a soft spot in his heart for these guys. Mistakes are mistakes, you know. In the same vein, Barry Switzer will be the first recipient of the George W. Bush Award for Excellence.

All difficult Eastern European names will be expunged from team rosters to make memorization and pronunciation easier. Plus, those assholes from the New York Times will no longer have a Sports section.

The Bush Domestic Sporting Plan will hit home in Ithaca, too. Yale baseball will be given enormous federal subsidies, and the grades for eligibility in New Haven will be lowered somewhat; and Florida colleges will be given a 10% head start in all athletic contests.

But take heart, Dems; even though you’ve likely lost the White House, Mrs. Clinton is your new junior senator for New York. She’s got an athletic agenda, too: figuring out how to get to Yankee Stadium.

Archived article by Tom McNulty