November 28, 2000

Winter Waggery

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In Equador, they call me “The Swami.” In Romania, they call me “The Swami.” In Kazakhstan they call me “The Swami.” Guam? “The Swami.” Antarctica? You got it.

Yes, the world knows me by two names, but in the US of A, I’m simply Sumeet. Not “The Great Seer,” not “The Fortune Teller,” not “Mr. Foresight,” and certainly not “The Swami.” Damn that Chris Berman.

My psychic powers are world–renown and beyond compare. I called the Rams Super Bowl victory. I called Lance Armstrong’s two–peat. I called France’s World Cup Gold. I even called Virginia Tech’s trip to the national title. In fact, I know what you’re thinking at this very moment: “What the hell are you writing about, you bastard.”

Well, after this final week of brilliant sports coverage by the Sun, the Big Red teams will be left underrepresented for five weeks. For 35 days of agony, no one will know how badly the polo teams won, or how badly the basketball teams lost. The wrestling team’s feats will be left on the mats and the hockey teams’ successes will only remain folk tales, traveling by word of mouth.

So to help all tall and small, I’ve decided to tell you what’s going to happen in the coming month – because I already know. The gymnastics George Washington Invitational? Already seen it. The Utah State Basketball Tournament? Saw it three times – a thriller to say the least. And hockey’s Holiday Tournament is Must See T.V. at its best (Check out ESPN18, it’s a blast). So here you have it, the Real Swami’s Winter Picks:

In a wild turn of events, the men’s basketball team starts winning games — outside of its own practices. Ka’Ron Barnes, who made Michigan State’s Spartans look like Homer’s Trojans, runs over and through Princeton and Pennsylvania. The team shocks a nation’s conscience (unfortunately not America’s), going 10-0 on the break and 2-0 heading into Ivy play. The women’s basketball team matches the men win for win, sinking Princeton and Columbia en route to its own 10-0 winter record.

The squash teams start cooking up winning streaks that would make international star Leilani Joyce proud. (Little do the rest of the Ivies know that freshman Lisa Marx is really Leilani in disguise.) And as the men’s team records the upset of the century in downing Harvard, the crowd storms the court and tears down anything it can get its hands on. Finding nothing, it tears down the wall.

The men’s and women’s ice hockey teams make winning their middle names: the Cornell Big Winning Red. Each then racks up eight wins (and no losses). Meanwhile, the swimming teams’ make ‘Good at Swimming’ their middle names, drowning everybody from here to Binghamton.

The fencing team rides a wave of spirit to the NIFWA Championship title. Cornell’s big E’s, Ellyn Rajfer and Elinor Granzow are suddenly unstoppable. (Little do the rest of the Ivies know that Ellyn is really Zorro in disguise.)

The men’s and women’s polo teams make history by taking Yale across the 100–goal mark. In the first chukker. Without even showing up. Skidmore and Connecticut present amusing matchups as well. Skidmore decides to come back for an equestrian smack–down, and gets pummeled.

The wrestling team takes on and takes down three states in compiling a lossless month. To Nevada, New York, and my own Virginia: I feel sorry for you.

So I guess you could summarize the next month in one word: undefeated.

What have I been smoking you wonder? Ah, but who is the psychic one now?

Archived article by Sumeet Sarin