November 30, 2000

Viewer Discretion Advised

Print More

For the last three weeks the nation’s eyes have been focused on the Florida election crisis and the squabbling over who will be the president-elect and who will be the not-elected president. After three weeks, it’s become obvious to me that the Florida debacle is actually a strategic diversion, orchestrated by the government, to keep the media watch dogs from exploiting the current problems in Oregon.

It’s no secret that Oregon is a breeding ground for cheap hookers, drug dealers, and people who design sweaters with a single stripe across the chest for Structure. Maybe it’s something in the soil, but there is definitely something fucked up about Oregon. The state has been socially polluting the mainstream for years, and now, with the spirit of yuletide glee approaching, the government is trying to cover up the dastardly affairs on the west coast. And it’s even stooped so low as to use our nation’s geriatric reserves in Palm Beach to divert our attention.

The time has come to pick up our pitchforks and invade Oregon! Our battle cry will echo through the Rockies, and we’ll make bumper stickers that read “Oregon: It’s More Annoying Than Debbie Gibson’s Comeback Album.” These bumper stickers can be used to cover up any remnants of those “Gore & Lieberman 2000” bumper stickers you may have stuck on your car. In addition to smiting Oregon, I say we toilet-paper all of the trees we pass on our battle march across the nation.

One last reason to invade the new Sodom and Gomorrah that borders the Pacific is this: Oregon doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Christmas in Oregon is a warped version of our celebration here on the East Coast. In Oregon, people give their children meatloaf and/or toys that only contain small, easily ingestible pieces. If nothing else, we, the educated people of Ithaca, can teach the Oregonians