January 26, 2001

The Daze B.O. Awards

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Gold may be the hottest accessory of the season, but Daze knows no statuettes will be toted by those Tinseltown thespians who can’t be sure to be dry. That’s right kids, if you stink, you sink. It’s Hollywood’s golden rule. When the “It” girl or red hot studio of the moment makes a bad career move, most of the media may turn their heads and try to politely ignore the stench radiating from the rancid reviews and box office numbers, but not Daze. In the spirit of counterculture, we’ve decided to let these fallen favorites have it by introducing The Daze Box Office Awards, fondly and appropriately shortened to the B.O. Awards — these movies are odorific!

THE NORMAN BATES AWARD

You may like their movies, but you wouldn’t want to meet these characters in a dark alley.

Nominees: Harrison Ford, What Lies Beneath; Christian Bale, American Psycho; Jim Carrey, Me, Myself, & Irene

Winner: CHRISTIAN BALE. There’s nothing scarier than a yuppie with a chainsaw.

DOWN FOR THE COUNT AWARD

The recipient of this award learned that it’s a long drop from the top.

Nominees: Helen Hunt, Pay It Forward; Gwynyth Paltrow, Duets/Bounce; Winona Ryder, Autumn in New York.

Winner: GWYNYTH PALTROW. How do you follow up an Oscar? You star in a movie about karaoke.

SUPERHERO CPR AWARD

In the spirit of Burt Reynolds, these seventies favorites made a comeback in 2000.

Nominees: Shaft, X-Men, Charlie’s Angels

Winner: CHARLIE’S ANGELS. More glamourous than mutants, and no male pattern baldness.

THE 2000 ALAN SMITHEE AWARD

Only a film that combines an intelligent, yet touching story with superior visual prowess and artistic merit is worthy of daze’s penultimate award, the coveted Alan Smithee Award. When choosing this year’s winner, all of these factors were considered. However, that was too challenging. After a nail-biting, coffee-fueled, all-night tournament of rock, paper, scissors, we finally had our winner.

And the Nominees…

Gladiator: a daring epic about a courageous General’s struggle to avenge the deaths of his family and save the Roman Empire

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: a stunning visual masterpiece that celebrates the timeless art of Kung Fu

Dude, Where’s My Car?: two young drifters roam Hometown, U.S.A. to find themselves and their car

And the award goes to…

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR? The glorification of prolific drug use, an aimless pursuit, mediocre performances, and a brush with intergalactic war. Sounds like the recipe for the perfect pointless teen flick. Talkin’ bout my generation.

BEST BAKED MOVIE

These movies are cool when clean, but best when baked (or so we’ve heard).

Nominees: The Cell; X-Men; Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Winner: THE CELL. Discover the true meaning of psychological thriller — if you dare.

THE TITANIC AWARD

“Plot does matter.”

Nominees: Dungeons and Dragons, Hollow Man, The Grinch

Winner: HOLLOW MAN. This movie had great special effects, but even Kevin’s bacon wasn’t enough to keep audiences satisfied.

BEST FLICK FOR PEDOPHILES

We called 50 “dirty old men” at random to obtain these results (margin of error = +/- 4%).

Nominees: Pay It Forward, Bring It On, Billy Elliott

Winner: BILLY ELLIOTT. Children in tights. ‘Nuff said.


Archived article by Ed Howard