February 9, 2001

An Ali, a Frazier And a Rumble

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Some things are too good to be true.

Nicole Kidman is single again, a New York team didn’t win the Super Bowl and Snackwells tasting as good as Oreos with just one third of the fat.

So is Ali-Frazier IV.

Is case you missed it, the fighting offspring of Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali may getting ready to get it on.

Yes, the burgeoning sport of women’s boxing will have its first interesting match when Jacqui Frazier and Laila Ali put on the gloves.

And luckily for you, this fight will likely take place just up 81 at Turning Stone.

Therefore, we shall dub this the “Over the Hills and Through the Woods to a Place Nobody Will Go for a Fight No One Cares About But Will Still Get an Amazing Amount of Media Coverage Because of the Dames’ Last Names Rumble.” Sure, it may not be as catchy as the names of their fathers’ matches, but at least it is as accurate.

This already has the makings for a great fight. Consider the press conference:

— Ali and her corner are not wanting to be there, because no fighter likes publicity, and Frazier is “like an annoying little fly that won’t go away,” according to Ali’s manager/fiancee Johnny McClain. Apparently Frazier is in boxing for the money, which is a completely foreign idea to boxing purists like Laila Ali and Don King. But after months of badgering and taunting by Frazier (and no prize money for any other fight), Ali finally agrees to get in the ring with the other famous name in the sport.

— Frazier, for her part, brings a heart-shaped cake into the press conference for Ali. Then she gives a charming little speech about the powerful Laila (who is undefeated in eight fights covering 16 months), which causes the arrogant young one to smile and finally acknowledge Frazier’s presence in the room. But before the end of the speech “Sister Smoke” (as named by Ali Sr.) slammed her fist through the cake (thus proving that even if she can’t jab, she has good technique with a sledgehammer) and said “I’m going to eat that body up.” Few there could doubt her as she has lost 46 pounds in the last 18 months to tip the scales at 168. Either that or she is really excited to see “Hannibal,” or was reading Mike Tyson’s “Press Conferences for Dummies” Chapter 12, “On Eating the Children of Opponents With No Offspring.” (Remember Lennox Lewis?)

— When Laila (aka the Queen Bee) was unfazed by the these actions, Frazier pressed the attack by claiming inspiration from Muhammad himself to beat the younger Ali. “But she’s been a little disrespectful even to her father comparing herself to him. She can’t compare herself to her dad for real and really truly mean it,” Frazier aptly said. “I think that shows some level of inconsideration that you should never show a parent, so I’m going to beat her tail for her daddy, too.” Now it seems unclear that Muhammad would root for the child of his rival over his own flesh and blood, but after being the greatest ever in a sport known for making people dumber, who knows what he is “thinking.”

Anyways, since that was the pre-fight press conference, and they are still looking for a venue (no they aren’t set on Turning Stone just yet) I have a few ideas which may give some legitimacy to the “Over the Hills and Through the Woods to a Place Nobody Will Go for a Fight No One Cares About But Will Still Get an Amazing Amount of Media Coverage Because of the Dames’ Last Names Rumble.”

1) Stage it during an XFL game. Either as half-time entertainment (but that could be bad for the members of the crowd hoping to get lap dance from the cheerleaders), or just during the game. Why the hell not?

2) Put it in Antarctica during the filming of Survivor III “When Hell Freezes Over.” The undercard can be the retired NYC cab driver and a polar bear.

3) The White House Lawn — Surely we can get good ol’ W to think that this will be the classic battle between two of the greatest boxers ever. In this case, the undercard can be the secret service and 49% of the nation. A square dance will be held afterwards.

Archived article by J.V. Anderton