February 16, 2001

Viewer Discretion Advised

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Recently, while down on The Commons, I was drinking out of a brown paper bag. Inside the bag was a bottle, and inside the bottle was Diet Coke, but nevertheless, I was getting some very nasty looks from passersbys. Then a very nice looking woman came up to me. She had a blue ribbon in her hair and a fringed floral dress that reminded me of my Grandmother around summer time, when she used to make her own special lemonade. I smiled at this woman and bent close so as to hear her gentle voice.

“All you f*ck-ups come around here, down from the top of your hill and think that you ____(insert expletive for the act of making love) own our town and us. Well you know what, you f*ck-up? I’m tired of your ____(insert expletive for solid fecal matter) and I think you should finish your poison and go back up to the top of your hill and stay there.”

I wanted to tell her about this week’s DVDs. I wanted to hug her, and call her Otis, and tell her it was all going to be okay, but frankly, I was more concerned with how she insulted my Diet Coke. Sure it doesn’t have the nutritious value of a Diet Raspberry Snapple, or the zaniness of Zima, but its chemical make up of compounds (most of which I can’t pronounce) hardly make it a “poison.” I was raging with caffeine angst, and looked her right in the eyes.

“You’re right, Otis.”

She looked at me puzzled … possibly because I called her Otis, so I smiled at her and continued.

“We’re coming down tonight, all of us, in droves, to take this town over. The hill isn’t healthy, and we want the rest of this patch of nowhere.”

Immediately she ran off screaming to people to get their guns, but before she could reach that jungle gym thing where all the kids with eye make-up and black leather pants smoke their crack, she was run over by an out of control keg of Milwaukee’s Best which belonged to this campus’s number one party animal Cliff “Chas” O’Malley.

When questioned by officials, Cliff was quoted to have said “Beer.” After a keg stand with local officers, Cliff was seen dragging the keg back up Buffalo Street, and the woman’s death was listed as a suicide. That being said, here are this weeks DVDs.

Bless the Child, starring Kim Basinger and Rufus Sewell (Dark City) is the epic romance of a nurse who teams up with an FBI agent to save her six-year-old niece from the clutches of NYC Satanists. The DVD includes director commentary and the original trailer.

Other releases include Porky’s, the 1982 cult classic sex comedy in which six teenage boys lust after untouchable babes in the 1950s. This is truly a crass and influential film that looks into the heart of the human condition and pleases teenage boys.

Also released this week is Bring It On, starring Kirsten Dunst as a spunky high school head cheerleader leading her squad to learn that there are more important things in life than national championships. If you’re burning to know what’s more important than a national championship, then rent this movie, but if not