March 29, 2001


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One of my favorite songs by the Rolling Stones makes a great observation. “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” As college students, we are so mature in some ways, and in others, we are as clueless as Bjork’s sense of fashion (“Thank you, my friend made [my swan muppet dress]”). Oftentimes we don’t know what it is that we want, and on some rare but fortunate occasions, we actually get what we need. Through a series of events that may not have been exactly what Britney and G. Killian would have wanted, it seems as though they got exactly what they needed.

To recap the past five months in the relationship between Britney (of Pepsi stardom) and G. Killian (of Dino’s stardom), they broke up in November. But … they were only kind of broken up. They still told each other everything, were virtually best friends, and slept together on a regular basis. The only exception was that they were hooking up with other people too, and each was hating that the other was doing this. Their rules, not mine.


It was a typical spring break full of sun, daiquiris, and lots of undergrads suddenly adopting a minimalist philosophy for their wardrobes (all of which resulted in the inevitable gratuitous sex). Britney was living it up with her friends in some locale south of the border. Unfortunately, she had made a mutual promise with G. not to have sex with anyone over break, but fortunately everything else would have been considered playing it by the rules. Amidst the near-nude drunken insanity that can be spring break, an out of character dance floor hook-up led to a bedroom hookup which led to the breaking of Britney’s promise to G.

The reason that this column is different from every other one is that here is where it gets good. Upon returning to Cornell, Britney told G. about her breach of contract. He said that he had decided that if she broke their promise he would never speak to her again. She did what anyone in her situation would do: begged for forgiveness.

“I’m sure a lot of people out there think that I deserve to be dumped, not only for screwing around, but for the way I’d been treating G. Killian for a long time,” she said. “I had perfected the art of taking as much as possible, while giving as little as possible.” He caved.

“Some of you are probably thinking I’m just setting myself up for more heartbreak … that I’m an idiot,” he said. “To tell you the truth, a small part of me is thinking that, too.” Nonetheless, even though he wanted to tell Britney it was over, he decided that he needed her.

And despite their rocky past, it seems as though this time may actually be for keeps. Brtiney’s last words on the topic were, “I want nothing more than to be happy with him for the rest of my life.” In the words of Keanu Reeves, “Woah.”

I last spotted G. and Britney walking blissfully through campus, arm in arm with huge seemingly permanent grins on their faces.

Unfortunately, in the footsteps of Samantha, Britney has decided to step down from her position as a Four-nication expert. She doesn’t want to share her past experiences with G. on a weekly basis because she feels as though it would be too hard to be honest. It is still unclear if we are going to recruit another expert.


On a lighter note, T.J. Cox lived up to his porn-star like name in a spring break hotspot. While he hooked up with girls from Midwestern schools on a nightly basis, he had an interesting time with one girl who he describes as, “a good dancer and rather attractive — a lot more attractive than most girls at Cornell.” On their second night hooking up, apparently after they had had sex, his hotelroom-mate walked in. In response, T.J.’s girl jumped up and retreated to the bathroom where she put in a tampon. T.J. said that he wasn’t upset with this “previously undisclosed visitor [her period],” but rather the fact that it was her last spare tampon.

“Feeling stupid about her mistake,” he said, “she proceeded to please me orally … and then anally … simultaneously! As she tapped my virgin hole with one, and then two, of her fingers, all I could think was, ‘Hey, this is spring break, try something new.'”

And maybe what T.J. needed, even if it wasn’t exactly what he wanted, was a good poke in the …

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