March 30, 2001

Maryland Sucks, but Terps Don't

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Maryland sucks. Not the team … no siree, I’m talkin’ about the state of Maryland.

What has Maryland given us over the years?

That’s right, nothing.

Have any Presidents come from Maryland? No!

Have any major, earth-shattering inventions come from Maryland? No!

Have any creamy, nougat-filled candy bars come from Maryland? No!

As I said, Maryland sucks.

Now, let’s talk about Michigan, Arizona, and North Carolina — home to the other three teams in this weekend’s men’s Final Four.

Of course Michigan, home to the Spartans, has given us good old GM. Where would this country be if all those hick Texans couldn’t own Chevy pickups? Frankly, I don’t think we would have won WWII.

And, Arizona, we can thank Arizona for John McCain and dry heat. Good job Arizona. You get a cookie.

And then there’s North Carolina, where the Blue Devils of Duke rule. What has North Carolina done for America? Oh that’s right, it’s given us lung cancer. Thanks to glorious Tobacco Road, HMOs in America will forever make tons of money.

So there you have it, all the other states have produced something of value while Maryland has given us nothing.

As I previously stated, Maryland sucks.

And therefore, I heartily believe that it deserves something…something like the Final Four title.

Since Maryland has absolutely nothing to be proud of, the Terps will undoubtedly try to give their state something to be proud of.

And that’s why Maryland will win the Final Four.

We could talk about the super trio of Juan Dixon, Terrence Morris, and Lonny Baxter. We could talk about how Maryland’s played Duke to the wire during this season. Hell, we could even talk about how much Terps’ head coach Gary Williams sweats during games.

But let’s not do that.

All we need to remember is that Maryland sucks.

Unfortunately, three of my esteemed colleagues are under the disillusioned notion that Maryland doesn’t have a shot in hell at cutting down the nets come Monday night. But then again, they’re stupid.

What they fail to realize is that Maryland has not contributed to our Union in any way whatsoever, unless you count crab cakes. Perhaps, if they took note of how much Maryland sucks, then they’d be dumb not to pick Maryland as this year’s Final Four champion.

Archived article by Shiva Nagaraj