It all started with a faux Sex and the City ad of me with a questionably phallic picture of the clocktower on my dress, and the catchphrase “Let’s talk about sex.” What’s transpired has been exactly that. I’ve been talking with a group of real Cornell students about sex for a full academic year now. You have been there as G. Killian and Britney broke up and then got back together, and you even read when Britney was in our column for a few weeks. You read as the sex-crazed Samantha finally settled down with a great boyfriend. Absinthe came and went, leaving room for the introduction of T.J. Cox, who always had something shocking to say. And Catwoman has always been there to add humor to any situation.
For this, the final edition, we’ve decided to give you those white letters that roll down during cheesy stills at the end of movies like Animal House, Stand By Me, and Bye Bye Love. I tried to get in touch with Absinthe, who is not on-campus this semester, and Samantha, but they were unable to be detained. In effect, I sat with the two remaining members of the original cast, Catwoman and G. Killian, in our table at the back of the State Street Diner, and reminisced about the events of the past year. I spoke with T.J. and Britney through other mediums to find out what has been going on in their lives.
T.J. has had sex with Melissa since we last spoke with him, and says that he’s on the prowl for Senior Week. He’s looking for “quality and quantity!” Next year he’ll be living and working in Manhattan, where he hopes to find the girl of his dreams amidst the four million that they have there. In the future, T.J. wants to meet someone who is affectionate and would “take care of me” and “in return I would perform the best cunnilingus on them ever.” He wants to leave readers with the same words with which he began, “If you do something tonight that you’ll regret in the morning, just sleep late!”
G. Killian says that lately things have been “happily ever after” with him and Britney. Britney said that it was difficult making the transition back to being exclusive, and she knew that she not only had to show G. that he could trust her, but that she could trust herself. She realized that everything was okay when her steady hook-up called for a booty call and she said no. She said, “We’re still not quite the same couple we were when we first fell in love, but we’re definitely moving in the right direction.” G. said that he would like to thank his hordes of adoring fans. Next semester G. and Britney will both be back at Cornell, since they are both currently sophomores.
(G. Killian said that he keeps all of the editions of this column in a folder. When Britney found it, they wondered what would happen if they had kids and they found the folder in the attic. G. said, “I hope my kids wouldn’t be freaked out. I don’t want them to think that sex is bad, but I don’t want them to be all up on my sex life.” Catwoman added, “Another dollar in the therapy fund!”)
Finally, Catwoman has had a hook-up based relationship and a one night stand come and go since we last spoke to her. She has a bright future ahead of her when she moves near New York City next year. She says that she’s a little overwhelmd by the size of the city. But, like T.J., she is pretty psyched about the four million women. She says, “Big ups to everyone that figured me out.”
Catwoman, G., and I also reminisced about the past year. G. said that his favorite week was the second time we all met, even though he can’t remember what we talked about. He liked it because at that time he felt comfortable talking with us about sex. “As a guy,” he said, “it was my girls giggling in the bathroom.”
“We’ve been doing this for a long time,” said Catwoman. Her favorite time was when we all went to the porn store because “we saw so many things that you would never think of on your own.” She also mentioned that her dildo is still in a prominent location in her apartment.
I’d like to give a special thanks to the fine people at the State Street Diner, who have allowed us to sit in the back of their restaurant, week after week, as some of their most eccentric patrons. Well, maybe not, but they’ve been really nice. Dave and Mike, I’ll miss you next year. The Sun won’t be the same without you. I also want to thank my parents, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s parents for putting up with the fact that I write about sex every week. Thanks, guys.
It has been a long year. One of the main purposes of writing this column was not just to get people talking about Catwoman, T.J., G., and everyone else, although they are fun to talk about. Rather, it was to get people talking about sex. With all the stress of life at Cornell, all of the competition and schoolwork and nonsense, its good to talk about fun things sometimes, and sex is one of them. As G. says, “Have fun and go with the flow. Things are going to happen, and nothing is ever set in stone.” Have fun!
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