October 19, 2001

Dynasty to Dumpster

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The pain that is another baseball season is finally coming to a close. I have watched a number of the great records of the modern game be rewritten, and have finally given up on the idea that the Yankees are beatable in the playoffs. By my estimations, those damn Yankees will have wrapped up the World Series on the 31st of October, depending on the fight that the Braves are willing to put up, which in classic Atlanta fashion will be very small.

In the meantime, you have 13 days left to enjoy your life, assuming you’re not a Yankees fan, until you have to spend the next five months listening to the repeated chorus of New York, New York, (a brilliant song I truly enjoyed but which has now been bastardized in an irrevocable way, now that the Yankees are on television 23.5 hours per day).

So yours truly is here to help, bringing you the top five dynasties that appear to be on their way down the tubes. While you may not get to watch the Yankees fall yet (though Mariano Rivera’s life expectancy is only another 50-60 years, so they can’t win forever), you can relish in the fact that these teams are no longer any good.

5. Penn State football — Some people will say that the problem is Joe Pater-no, that a 178 year-old can’t relate to the young kids on his team. In reality, the problem is that the Nittany Lions simply suck. You can’t teach suck, you are simply born that way. The Lions average 40 yards per game rushing, which is barely more than half of what Cornell is averaging. Ugh. The team is averaging slightly more than seven point per game. Double ugh. Let’s just say Joe Pa may have that game with Indiana circled as his team’s only shot at not going 0-10.

4. New Jersey Devils — Ok, it may be a little early to predict the immediate demise of this franchise that has made the last two Stanley Cup finals, but they have already managed to lose to the Capitals, the Islanders, the Canadiens and the Rangers. Those four teams combined to be 38 games under .500 last year, and if you take out the Caps, the other three teams were 52 games under .500. They were also outscored 19-9 in those four losses. Last night’s win was a good sign, and against a decent San Jose squad, but the team has still managed to dig itself an early hole it’s going to have to find a way out of.

3. Washington Redskins — Take a coach that’s as decrepit as Joe Pa, add an incompetent owner and a quarterback situation that’s as frightening as a student assembly meeting, and you get the Redskins. I mean, Tony Banks got cut by the Cowboys, and he’s their starter. Sources also tell me they’re about $350 million over the salary cap, meaning they are going to be bad until at least 2010. Or until Dan Snyder dies. 0-16 would be a distinct possibility this season, but they get two games with the Cardinals and one more with the Cowboys. Still, even those aren’t guarantees. Plus, there may not be a more fun team to root against.

2. Dallas Cowboys — I stand corrected. Take a coach that’s a pawn, add an incompetent owner and a quarterback situation that’s frightening and you get the Redskins. No wait, I mean the Cowboys. The quarterback rating for the team is pretty close to the I.Q. of your average doorknob. Speaking of doorknobs, it’s so bad that Ryan Leaf may get to start at quarterback. Just when you thought it really was that bad, it gets worse. Thank God fans in Dallas-Fort Worth still have the Rangers and Stars. Oh, wait. Shit.

1. Notre Dame — Ok, truthfully, some of this is scheduling, and the Irish have gotten their record to 2-3 at this point, but they could be looking at only two more winnable games this year. One is this weekend, which would bring them back from 0-3 to .500, but after that it gets pretty tough. Bob Davies is a good coach, but he’s no Lou Holtz (see: New powerhouses forming, S. Carolina). This team still needs a quarterback (they have one passing TD and 7 INTs this year so far) and more than that luck crap if they want to avoid going from a Fiesta Bowl birth to a 4-7 team in one year.

That’s all I’ve got this week, go to the football game against Brown and hope the Red avoids 0-5. Speaking of turnarounds…

Archived article by Charles Persons